By Hillary Busis
Updated January 23, 2014 at 06:49 PM EST
Miami Dade County Jail/AP

There are five people you meet in heaven, six types of chemical reactions, seven deadly sins… and eight different ways you may react after seeing Justin Bieber’s toothy mugshot for the very first time. What are they — and what type of person is having each one? Let’s start counting:

1. The delighted schadenfreudester

Bieber’s DUI/drag racing arrest comes as the culmination of months of bad behavior — allegedly egging his Los Angeles neighbor’s house, disrespecting the Argentine flag, spraying graffiti in Brazil, abandoning his pet monkey in Germany, peeing in a mop bucket (and shouting “F— Bill Clinton”) in New York City, wearing these seven ridiculous hats. After all that, he totally deserves to reap what he’s sown. Bring on the embarrassing arrest pics!

2. The furious tongue-clucker

This kid doesn’t even have the decency to look the tiniest bit contrite after being arrested for drunk driving? He could have killed someone! And here he is, grinning like an idiot, like he’s actually proud of himself and what he’s done.

3. The concern troll

Of course Bieber’s smiling; he’s a messed-up child star who doesn’t know how to do anything else. Even after being arrested, his default is trying to appear happy and carefree, masking whatever he’s actually feeling — isn’t that actually unbearably sad? And look at the way the light is glinting off his eyes — doesn’t it sort of seem like he’s fighting to hold back tears? We shouldn’t be rejoicing in Bieber’s fall — we should have compassion for him, especially now.

4. The sneering cynic

Clearly, Believe‘s disappointing box-office returns have Bieber shaken up — and if Miley’s antics are any indication, bad behavior sells. Bieber’s just trying desperately to get some street cred, thinking it’ll boost sales; this whole arrest thing was a carefully calculated move from his playbook. What’s worse, it’s probably going to work.

5. The silver lining-seeker

You know what? Even wasted at 4 in the morning, Bieber is pretty damn photogenic. And don’t the blemishes kind of make him more relatable?

6. The celebrity mugshot historian

He may not know his angles as well as Paris, Lindsay, Nicole, and Khloé… but with time, we bet he’ll learn. The pic has a boyish, Sinatra-esque quality; it’s definitely a strong first entry in the genre. Still not as instantly iconic as Nick Nolte’s — but then again, what could be?

7. The glib quipster

What, they’ve got hair product in jail? Alternately: He must have felt that u were smiling.

8. The guy who never knows when to let go of a meme

Something something lesbian something something.

9. The diehard Belieber

Take it away, ladies: