Credit: Frank Ockenfels/E! Entertainment

On Jan. 19, E! premiered its newest guilty pleasure #RichKids of Beverly Hills, which will immediately be either your favorite new TV show or the most obnoxious program you’ve ever seen. I’m personally a fan of horrible people doing fabulous things (or fabulous people doing horrible things, which is pretty much the same thing anyway), so I’m reluctantly on board for this trashy romp through the luxurious world of Beverly Hills twentysomethings.

While the show purports to follow a cast of spoiled brats, the #RichKids at its core are Dorothy and Morgan, two high-living do-nothings who are alarmingly self-aware in their preposterousness. The duo rivals Snooki and JWOWW when it comes to sheer soundbite power, even if some of their more ridiculous quotes are made-for-TV transparent.

You don’t really need to know what’s going on in the series — or Jan. 19’s blood drive-themed episode OR Jan. 20’s mansion hunting episode, for that matter — to understand what these girls are like. Below, read 45 context-free quotes from our introduction to Dorothy and Morgan. If you’re not mortified, the second episode in the two-night premiere airs at 10 p.m. ET (and trust me, it’s just as absurd).

Dorothy Wang

1. “I have so many facets to me.”

2. “My blood would probably be glittery. Almost like the Capri Sun commercial. Or Alex Mack when she melts down. But like in a pink color.”

3. “It wasn’t until it was printed in Forbes that I knew how much money we had.”

4. “The thing about us is that we’re constantly either trying to be skinny, or eating.”

5. “Walking from Barney’s up Rodeo is cardio.”

6. “I was born and raised in Beverly Hills, California, the best city in the world, and my occupation is being funemployed and fabuluxe.”

7. “My arms aren’t really long enough for a selfie sometimes.”

8. “I thought I was going to be in the WNBA.”

9. “I’ve never opened my own bottle of wine before… Why do we need to know how to open our own wine when there’s always a sommelier?”

10. “I think I’m somewhat insta-famous in the Instagram world. Right now I have 16,000 Instagram followers, and none of them are purchased.”

11. “Fridays at clubs, it’s almost like amateur night. It’s like New Year’s Eve. We definitely just would much rather throw our own penthouse party away from all the sloppiness.”

12. “I don’t have a sunglass face. Or a hat head.”

13. “The number one rule of caviar etiquette is, don’t be the person that goes, ‘Ew, what’s that?’”

14. “Do I look this bitchy in real life?”

15. “They don’t necessarily have to have money, but they need to be swaggy.”

16. “I don’t do fetish. If any guy tells me, ‘I love Asian girls,’ it’s done.”

17. “Roxy’s a little pitbull in a pleated skirt.”

18. “Did you know ‘selfie’ is the word of the year, according to People magazine?”

19. “I’m a situational dresser.”

20. “I started donating blood in high school because it was just a way to miss history class.”

21. “I don’t know if my tampon is in all the way.”

22. “It takes a lot of coordination and tact to be a shopper on Rodeo.”

23. “When Saachi spilled sangria on my marigold yellow velvet Chanel boy bag and satin Charlotte Olympia shoes, I kind of freaked out initially.”

24. “People always say that animals have the truest instincts.”

25. “If you’ve had a needle in your face, you can put a needle in your arm and save three lives.”

26. “Honestly, money can’t buy happiness. My Birkins aren’t going to hug me back at night and tell me they love me, even though sometimes I think they do.”

Morgan Stewart

27. “My blog [Boobs and Loubs] is a perfect representation of me. I have very large boobs and a very large affinity for Louboutins.”

28. “I think I could write a book. I’m really funny.”

29. “My mom puts up with me, and that’s pretty much her job.”

30. “They called me cone-t*ts.”

31. “I could do a Crest Whitestrip ad.”

32. “I will literally check Instagram four times in a row and then be like, I’ve seen all these pictures, it’s awkward, I should probably call somebody or do something with my life.”

33. “Arriving to a party sober is the worst thing in the world, ’cause then you have to start from scratch and pretend to talk to everybody you don’t like and ask them how they’re doing.”

34. “I’ve become obsessive with [Instagram]. If somebody doesn’t like my photo, it’s ruined my entire day, because I feel like it’s an entire plot to not like my photo on purpose.”

35. “Do I look thin? In the face? Like chiseled in the face?”

36. “It’s awkward that I’m cutting my pizza because I actually want to shove it in my mouth in one bite.”

37. “Opening wine is the hardest thing in the entire world.”

38. “Is this an accurate mirror?”

39. “I look like I can’t be around children unattended in these sunglasses.”

40. “She wants me to make eye contact and talk to her like an adult and not be on the phone… she’s very old-fashioned.”

41. “My personal trainer’s fee is $1,000. I drop a lot of money to complain with her.”

42. “I look like I’m from Kenya, my t*ts are sagging below my waist.”

43. “Ninety percent of the people we know have had a needle in their face.”

44. “I feel like my blood would come out looking a little bit taupe, with a little hint of gold and a little sass.”

45. “I felt like I would be kind of a whack bitch to not give blood.”

Total Trash
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