Live, from Beverly Hills, it’s the 71st Annual Tina Fey and Amy Poehler’s Lee Daniels’ The Butler Golden Globe Awards! And as you can see from the previous sentence, hosts Fey and Poehler are already proving why bringing them back to host was the best idea NBC’s had since the mid-’00s. Here are a few funny highlights; check back for an updated list of jokes as the night progresses.
Amy: “Congratulations to all the wonderful actors nominated tonight, from the amazing Chiwetel Ejiofer, to the stunning Lupita Nyong’o, to American treasure Tam Honks. …Damnit, I knew I was going to screw that up.” [Camera pans to Tom Hanks]
Amy: “Matt Damon is here for Behind the Candelabra. Matt, on any other night in another room, you would be a big deal. But tonight, and don’t take this the wrong way, you’re basically a garbage person.”
Tina: “Meryl Streep, so briliant in August Osage County, proving that there are still great parts in Hollywood for Meryl Streeps over 60.”
Tina: “Bradley Cooper is here, star of American Hustle. Interesting trivia: The original title of that movie was Explosion at the Wig Factory.”
Tina: “Gravity is nominated for best film. It’s the story of how George Clooney would rather float away into space and die than spend one more minute with a woman his own age.”
Tina: “One of my favorite films this year is the movie Her, which takes place in the not so distant future. Which is perfect, because so does Joaquin Phoenix.”
Tina: “Matthew McConaughey is here. For his role in Dallas Buyers Club, he lost 45 pounds, or what actresses call ‘being in a movie.'”
Amy: “The Wolf of Wall Street is a big nominee tonight. I really love the film, but some of it was too graphic. I mean, if I wanted to see Jonah Hill masturbate at a pool party, I’d go to one of Jonah Hill’s pool parties.”
Amy: “One of the most nominated films this year is 12 Years a Slave. I loved 12 Years a Slave, and I can honestly say that after seeing that film, I will never look at slavery the same way again.”
Tina: “Wait — how were you looking at it?”
Amy: “Masters of Sex is the degree I got from Boston College.”
Tina: “The Blacklist is who is invited to my room tonight. Talkin’ to you, Somali Pirates. I am the captain now.“
Update: Watch the ladies’ full opening monologue here, and find more of their best in-show quips below.
Tina: “We want to thank our hosts tonight, the Hollywood Foreign Press, the association of esteemed international journalists responsible for this beautiful event. Specifically, we would like to thank Jurgen Funderfinger, from Der Fundtf magazine.
Amy: “Lupe Paralos Lupes, from BesosHisuasos.com. Sven Candervomit, from Purple magazine.”
Tina: “Tzimi Vferne, editor of Kerplunk. Niçoise Yakimora Bichon Frise Yosimata, from La Oef.”
Amy: “Lukasz V.I. Warshawski, from the free magazine they give out on Polish buses.”
Tina: “And of course, Jeremy Watson Stuart, from Das Tits.”
Amy, as “Mr. Golden Globes,” a.k.a. Tina’s adult child from a previous relationship, to Miss Golden Globes Sosie Bacon: “Your name is Sosie? What are you, the Olympics?”
Tina: “And now, like a supermodel’s vagina, let’s all give a warm welcome to Leonardo DiCaprio.”
Tina, in conclusion: “This was the beautiful mess we hoped it would be.”
Amy: “And I got to make out with Bono!”