By Erin Strecker
Updated January 12, 2014 at 05:00 PM EST
Credit: Art Streiber/NBC

Will Jennifer Lawrence make a charming speech? Will Amy Poehler crack you up? Will Ricky Gervais drunk-rush the stage, demanding what he sees as rightfully his?

It’s anyone’s guess what will go down tonight during the Golden Globes, often noted by the attendees as the most fun and laid-back awards show of the year. After all, this is the one — according to Amy Poehler’s monologue from last year’s ceremony — “Where the beautiful people of film rub shoulders with the rat-faced people from TV.”

Since you won’t be heading to the Globes this year, PopWatch has broken down all the likely phrases and jokes you’ll be hearing when your favorite ladies Tina Fey and Amy Poehler take to the Globes stage tonight at 8 p.m. ET. Obviously, PopWatch cautions you to celebrate responsibly. Pace yourself; this whole show is — oh my God, it’s three hours long, and that’s not including any pre-carpet gown judging you partake in.

Take one sip if:

-You get physically upset at any point during the show because you aren’t BFFs with Amy and Tina.

-You witness a good photo bomb from someone not realizing they’re on TV.

-Someone gets played off.

-Someone is noticeably drunk.

-Someone jokes about not being able to joke about 12 Years a Slave.

-Someone mentions the nudity on Girls.

-Netflix shout-out!

-Amy Poehler does a bit about her faux-rival Julia Louis-Dreyfus.

-From the podium, a winner tells their kids to go to bed.

-A person cries from the podium.

-Someone mentions Harvey Weinstein (this one is adapted from Fey and Poehler’s very own drinking game).

Take two sips if:

-Someone tries to joke about 12 Years a Slave and it doesn’t work.

-Jennifer Lawrence says something charming.

-A winner is absent.

-Someone jokes about the nudity/vulgarity of Wolf of Wall Street.

-Someone jokes about the nudity/vulgarity of Girls.

-There’s just a voice talking, à la Her.

Take three sips if:

Breaking Bad wins any awards. It’s predicted, but it’s also cause for celebration!

-Someone tries to joke about 12 Years a Slave and it somehow works.

-Someone trips on their way to the stage.

-Someone in the audience is a punchline and they don’t look happy about it. (Never forget.)

Finish your bottle if:

-Tina and Amy sing a song about boobs…but this time, from outer space.