By Annie Barrett
Updated January 09, 2014 at 07:08 AM EST

Welcome to the People’s Choice Awards, where everyone’s a winner as long as he or she shows up. Oh, cool, you’re in town? Why, YOU’VE WON. That’s the short version of this recap. Join me, below, in an extended visual romp through Wednesday’s telecast, if — like most of the nominated performers — you didn’t watch!

So Kat Dennings and Beth Behrs of 2 Broke Girls are hosting this thing because Kaley Cuoco of The Big Bang Theory didn’t wanna. Luckily, Xtina and her bedazzled chest full of tips was on hand to take over waitressing duties in the 2BG star-studded diner.

And isn’t this weird: Bryan Cranston had arrived to whisk Kat and Beth across the country in his getaway car! (Not real, and I believe this was the only reference to cable — apparently not big with The People — throughout the show.)

“In case you haven’t noticed: She’s the Hathaway; I’m the Franco,” Dennings says. I really admire how she strives to do as little as possible throughout the telecast. I suppose we have that in common.

When Justin Timberlake wins Favorite Male Artist, Ellen DeGeneres gets up instead. I’m not sure why this is funny. I mean, it’s not not funny. It’s kind of just nothing.

Sexy Country Star Brad Paisley does NOT think it is funny. If anyone should fake-receive Justin’s award, it should be him!

Timberlake thanks his “beautiful wife for giving me patience, and teaching me things like just putting the dishes in the dishwasher. It goes a long way, fellas. You’re welcome.” It seems like Twitter really cares about how Justin Timberlake finally addressed the Jessica Biel situation. Yes, we were all on the edge of our seats. But I don’t think this was a bitchy comment at all. That dishwasher sh*t is GREAT ADVICE. Why should Justin Timberlake be exempt from putting his dishes in the dishwasher? Give me one good answer!

Ellen wins her record-breaking [record scratch!] 14th People’s Choice Award for Favorite Daytime Talk Show Host. What she loves about her show, as it’s evolved, is the use of regular people — “old and young people, men and women, black and white, gay and straight.” [Applause.] “Just yesterday I was talking to this lovely African-American woman…single… works 80 hours a week just to get by. Every night she comes home and can’t wait to watch my show. And that woman’s name is Oprah Winfrey.”

Oh my God, and Anna Faris (on the left) was wearing this….thing?

Favorite New Talk Show Host Queen Latifah reminded her kids to go to sleep and then, out of the blue, admitted, “It’s hard… it’s hard. I wanna just cuss so much and I don’t know why.” The PCAs can do that to people! They are pure magic.

Favorite Dramatic Actress Stana Katic (false Mischa Barton alarm) says can’t talk for long — especially about a non-CBS show!!! — but wants to thank everyone involved with Castle before she introduces charity-karaoke act Sara Bareilles.

“Honestly…. I wanna see you be brave!” Okay, I am most familiar with Sara’s single, “Brave,” via the Microsoft Windows commercials. Do you ever hear a song in its natural, non-commercial setting and realize you had the rhythm of it all wrong in your head? Like, the beats don’t actually go where you think they went? Or is it just that she’s not good at singing live? I don’t know. The rest of the PCAs were so benign and inconsequential, whereas this was an unexpected blast of pain. I don’t want to rip on Sara too hard, though. I think I was mostly annoyed that it seemed like I’d watched a Microsoft commercial 150 more times. Out of tune.

People’s Choice producer and Favorite Reality Series winner for The Voice Mark Burnett looms above us silently in the control room, ruling us all. “Great speech, Mark,” deadpans Dennings.

Pregnant Drew Barrymore loves a man in a fanny pack. She just does, okay? It’s fine with me. We need more strong female opinions, always.

Julianna Marguiles, looking all Dita-y, graciously accepts for The Good Wife (Favorite TV Drama) as well as for her costar Josh Charles (Favorite Male Drama Actor), who’s on his honeymoon in Thailand. I choke up along with her as she thanks The People for choosing such a “beautiful, nuanced, wonderful actor that I’m lucky enough to have as my leading man.” Ahh! She’s so perfect.

Tim Gunn does a commercial for Walgreens right in the middle of the show. It’s amazing how he can just shut off his human components and shill so robotically. It’s scary, even. Tim Gunn has officially starred in a nationally televised horror show.

Sandra Bullock and Melissa McCarthy are lookin’ good, accepting for Favorite Comedic Movie The Heat. “There’s just so much talent out there and not enough time to show it all,” says Bullock in reference to the dozens of comedians on set during filming. “I LOVE RANDOM SCREAMS!” yelps McCarthy. Yup, pretty much just like their characters. Well played.

Which Brad? Look to the fabric on the guitar, my friends. It’s PAISLEY.

Like God reaching out to Adam. #iPhoneTransfer #SelfieMagic

Even luckier than that fan in the red dress? Brad Paisley’s mic. Ewwww.

Then Heidi Klum, who apparently fancies herself Brad Paisley’s partner in crime, snatches his giant cowboy hat, perches it atop her intricate hair-rope, and won’t give it back. I’m guessing he really wanted that thing back. Because IT’S HIS HAT. Whatever, Heidi. A Complete Look has been corrupted.

Beth Behrs engages in an embarrassing yet ultimately harmless medley of “The Sound of Music,” “Wrecking Ball,” and “Baby Got Back, while twerking uncontrollably.” I don’t want this to have happened, but it did, and we can never go back. The mic has been dropped. Only a few ears have been hurt. It’s over.

Malin Akerman, possibly distracted by the memory of her own boobs in a mirror, mispronounces Ian Somerhalder’s name “Somerhandler.” It works!

Favorite Onscreen Chemistry winners Nina Dobrev and Mr. Somerhandler joke around about how they used to date in real life, but they don’t anymore, but they still have to be together on TV. “Good thing it’s not awkward!” chirps the dazzling bird. “Good thing we have CHEMISTRY!”

Britney Spears (!!!) (ehhhhh) can barely walk up the stairs. But she recited her lines perfectly while accepting Favorite Pop Artist. “I was not expecting this,” says the glassy mirage.

Naya Rivera has gone Kardashian Blonde. I mean, she’s young and rich. She can do whatever she wants. But, no.

Girls‘ Allison Williams (along with The Walking Dead‘s Norman Reedus) kills it, fashion-wise, just by showing up.

Favorite Action Movie Star Robert Downey Jr. asks for the spotlight — officially. Look, if Iron Man’s gonna show up at the People’s Choice Awards, he’s gonna get to sound like God. It’s called respect.

How did I never notice how Ryan Atwood-y this Ryan Tedder is?

Shimmering beacon of the human spirit Jennifer Hudson and her sister Julia win Favorite Humanitarian(s) for the foundation they set up in honor of Hudson’s tragically killed nephew, Julian. “It’s one thing to be a celebrity, but it means absolutely nothing if you can’t help somebody,” says Hudson.

Sarah Michelle Gellar (worshiped appropriately by presenter Michael Weatherly) uses her Favorite Actress in a New Series speech time to publicly thank the cast and crew of Buffy!

Matt LeBlanc’s still rarin’ to go….

….And The Big Bang Theory tightens its grip on America.

The People have Chosen. Shards of the future belong to all of us. But most of it belongs to Kaley Cuoco.

The end.

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