By Annie Barrett
Updated January 08, 2014 at 05:33 AM EST

Tricia Helfer is Molly Parker, Texas Ranger. Bow down, Big Hats, and admire her evening gown.

I definitely had the wrong impression of ABC’s Killer Women, brought to you by Sofia Vergara. Thanks to the series’ aggressive promos, I assumed it might be campy and fun. This is horrible to admit, but I suspect Vergara’s personality and Modern Family character (which seem similar) led me to believe the show might be a caricature of the modern Western drama instead of a solid attempt at it. Ugh, I’m as bad as the rest of ’em! (Men.)

Anyway, I’m dumb, and this is in fact a serious show. I can’t say it’s great; I can’t say it’s terrible. It’s disappointingly boring, for sure. But I do dig the format: It’ll run eight weeks straight and feature a different lady-murderer in each installment while also examining Molly’s backstory. She’s attempting to distance herself from her abusive husband, and we see a bit of her brother (Michael Trucco — Battlestar Galactica reunion alert!) in the premiere, so expect him to factor in more down the line.

In the pilot, “La Sicaria,” we open on legs. A gorgeous Mexican woman (Alexandra Pomales) in sexy red heels and one of those tiny dresses that’s more like a skintight pouch than a full dress strides confidently into a wedding chapel and kills the bride. She admits to the murder of an assistant district attorney by claiming to be the husband’s jealous mistress — but Helfer, Texas Ranger’s not buyin’ it. She senses fear and more to the story. And she’s right: A Mexican cartel had kidnapped the killer’s daughter and mother, forcing her to commit the murder. Suddenly Molly and her sex buddy Dan (a DEA agent) are in Mexico to free the killer’s family in a gun-happy car chase scene straight out of Taken. Everyone wins, and Molly walks away with the setting sun peaking out of her thigh gap. Boom. Killer Women.

Here’s a small blood-splatter of absurdities from the premiere:

–I maintain the killer, Alvarez, could not possibly have sprinted back up the aisle in those heels (which we see discarded outside the church on the dusty ground).

–“She won’t get that far, not with that face and ass” is indicative of the dialogue throughout. Sorry, girlie, you wanna be a Texas Ranger, you deal with the sexism.

–Molly Parker is so badass that she wears TWO huge belts. I believe one is the gun-belt and one is the jeans-belt, though you’d think they’d have invented a 2-in-1 contraption by now… and I just looked it up and they have invented that, so Double Belt is just a cool visual. And honestly, who wouldn’t want more surface area covered by a rugged Western belt? I’d wear all belts, all the time if I had the money. And the guns.

–The grieving (?) husband still has blood all over his face when Molly interviews him. Wipe your damn face.

–The dog of Molly’s brother’s family is named Neil.

–“You’re just a spoiled, beautiful gringa,” Alvarez viciously seethed to Molly from her hospital bed (obviously the killer had been knifed in the prison shower).

–Cameo by Friday Night Lights‘ Buddy Garrity (Brad Leland) as former company captain Woodman: “Women are a hell of a lot smarter than men. They’ll look you straight in the eye while lying. Learned that from my ex-wife.” Charming as always, Buddy.

–This HUGE TEXT Molly’s DEA agent hookup buddy Dan (Marc Blucas) (DEA Dan) uses to woo her, over the respected ‘PHONE’ LTE network:

Oh how I love a good Fake TV Phone! If this were Buzzfeed, I’d have magically curated a picture-perfect list of the medium’s 284 finest by now. But all you’ll get from me is a promise to keep an eye out for more.

–“There’s an excellent chance we are gonna die in Mexico tonight.” –Dan again. Well, what are you waiting for? Road trip!

–Molly Parker plays the trumpet every Tuesday night at the Continental Club. Okay. Excellent.

Overall, ehhhhhh.

Will you tune in again to see “one dangerous ranger” take down “America’s deadliest female killers”?