It’s hard to tell what’s worse in Rachael vs. Guy: Celebrity Cook-off 2014: the food or the general display of humanity. Imagine The Celebrity Apprentice, but with a fire pit. No one can cook. Like, these people can feed their dependents, because they’re wealthy, but the skills are just not there. You are basically watching random divas fail, and flail, and fight, and then over-spice stuff. It’s hilariously awful, much like this choice quote about hosts and team leaders Guy Fieri and Rachael Ray:

“They’re like the Heisman Trophy winners of food,” said actual Heisman Trophy winner Herschel Walker with a straight face.

Let’s rank season 3’s eight celebrity “chefs” from least to most tolerable after tonight’s extremely unappetizing Medieval Times challenge:

8. Jake Pavelka: The former Bachelor star put a ROSE on his stupid barely salad because it needed a little “touch of love.” My dislike for him sprouted anew when he said, all zen-like in Team Rachael’s trailer, “I can do a barley salad. There’s nothing complicated about it.” It was all downhill from there; the guy’s super serious about competing on any and all televised programs. “In competitions, you’ve gotta peak at the right time,” he claimed, with scientific precision. “Not week 1.” Whaaaaat?! In competitions.

7. Judy Gold… is so loud. The comedian and former Chopped contestant cut up her finger while chopping garlic and was VERY SCREECHY about it. Yet somehow Jake Pavelka was worse.

6. Chris Kattan‘s wryness along with his demonstrative mannerisms make for some funny voiceovers, but the guy is so clueless with a knife. His main struggle with his “Sir Veg-a-Lot” roasted vegetable was that “everything had to be cube-sized.” Cube is not a size!

Check it out — it’s like an SNL sketch about Mango chopping stuff.

5. Florence Henderson, who sat and rested her foot while casually stirring her lentil stew. Mama Brady should know from Dancing With the Stars that an injury is no reason not to FLING yourself, full-bodied and full-forced, into a competitive reality series. Plus, she put kale in the lentil stew and we all know kale is the devil’s plant.

4. Penn Jillette can be obnoxious, of course, but his brown sugar-drenched steak was the only dish I actually wanted to eat.

3. Vanilla Ice. I originally had him as the least tolerable, but in reality TV terms, he’s probably the best thing they’ve got going this season, so I bumped him all the way up to third place. WOW. So magnanimous. So groundbreaking. “What a twist!” –Entertainment Weekly. Anyway, V.I. is just totally overdoing it — hamming it up for the camera every few seconds to improvise an “Ice Ice Baby”-esque rap for the situation at hand, but unable to focus where it really counts: the food! (LOL.) When Guy Fieri gently recommends you spend less time hogging the camera, you know you’ve gone too far. And the real reason I have him at 3 now is because Vanilla Ice lost his count after the number 3 while measuring out faro for his Funky Faro Salad.

2. Hershel Walker. This guy is full of calmly delivered yet hilarious one-liners, from “I’m known to compete; I own a chicken restaurant,” to calling Guy and Rachael the Heisman Trophy winners of food, to proudly spiking his self-titled “King Henry Apple Royale Tart” with a little bit of rum.

Plus, he played very nicely as Vanilla Ice knifed him and screamed “Die, you peasant!”

No post-gutting reaction at all. I really wanted sh*t to go down here. Maybe next week!

1. Tiffany. “Not a lot of people work with lavender,” claimed Tiffany. Come on, who doesn’t like Tiffany? I sometimes feel sorry for her that after all that fame, she will never be able to Google herself and finding what she’s looking for. “Everyone knows me from the ’80s,” she said right away, which was funny, as if the ’80s are like a specific location or TV show. The MVP of the Medieval Challenge — with her pork skewers with a red wine reduction — Tiffany, as “Tapunzel,” let out a hearty song-wail to kick off Team Guy’s absolutely dreadful “performance” piece. She also told Vanilla Ice to pipe down (YES). But he won’t!

Oh and get this (no one is still reading so no one will get it): NO ONE WAS ELIMINATED, for “the first time in Rachael vs. Guy history!” They checked with the Rachael vs. Guy national historian and everything. Everyone gets another chance to f*ck up a dish!

“The only bad thing about not being eliminated is that I have another chance to be eliminated next week,” reasoned Judy Gold.


Who else tuned in? Are you grossed out? Discuss!