Dancing With The Stars 01
Credit: ABC

Guest judge Cher certainly looked and felt at home on television’s most sparkly alternate universe during her intergalactic visit to Monday’s Dancing With the Stars (read our full episode recap here).

The most subdued of the three judges (which is really saying something, namely that Bruno Tonioli and Carrie Ann Inaba are cuckoo), Cher gave out mostly 9s and compliments. But she was extremely amusing throughout the two-hour episode, threatening to “knee” Tonioli if he flailed too hard, upping her game from a demure sequined shift to a ridiculous feathered headdress for her second musical performance (watch it below), and dramatically delaying her score announcements as if conjuring up the paddles from the sleeves of her magical cloak.

At one point, during a critique of Elizabeth Berkley and Val Chmerkovskiy (Spiderweb Bodysuit and Shirtless)’s jazz routine set to her song “Bang Bang,” Cher endured one of the LONGEST BLEEPS EVER RECORDED. Damn that 10-second delay! Try to figure out what she said along with me, and check out some other highlights below.

The bleep occurred right after Cher enthused that she’d liked “the rough part” of Elizabeth and Val’s adventures in burlesque. “I like it when…. [BIG LONG BLEEP],” Cher continued. (The offending language begins at 2:26 below.)

Despite my years of watching TV on mute as my entire life passes me by, I have yet to become a lip-reading expert. But if I’m not mistaken, could Cher have said something as simple as “….when the woman’s in control”? (Or another word for woman, maybe.) And ABC bleeped it out because the “rough” comment had implied a sexual situation, and you can’t show that on television? Lame!

Whatever Cher’s comment was, Elizabeth Berkley got super-serious, as Elizabeth Berkley does, and seized her opportunity to communicate with Cher directly. “I want to thank you for showing women they can create their own rules, and that resiliency is a powerful thing,” she told one of the original showgirls.


More Cher highlights!

To Brant Daugherty: “You two had two smiles that went together.”

To Bill Engvall after his disco to “Strong Enough”: “Uh, I was amazed you could get her up in all those…positions.” (“It’s a little blue pill,” Engvall clarified.)

To Jack Osbourne: “I thought it was great. You’re like a tango-dancing pimp!”

To Amber Riley after her rumba: “Fabulous. You owned it, you bought it, you got a t-shirt.”

And my personal favorite, to Tom Bergeron: “As everyone knows, I don’t know how to call out for pizza.”

Cher performed “Believe” with her own backup dancers (decoys) and Our Pros in a pretty wobbly live opening number. Here’s “I Hope You Find It,” featuring Tony Dovolani and Tyne Stecklein — a pre-taped segment from later on in the episode.

Did you like Cher as a guest judge?

If not, did you at least appreciate all the feathers and bodysuits she and her music inspired?

Stay tuned for my full recap later on, and find out who was eliminated on Week 8 here.

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Dancing With the Stars
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