By Darren Franich
Updated October 08, 2013 at 05:02 PM EDT

Have you heard of touchscreens? Fox News sure has. The network has introduced a new “news deck,” which is kind of like a “news desk” except not for pansies. The news deck is filled with devices called B.A.T.S., which is an acronym for “Big Area Touch Screens” and also an embedded reference to the fact that the news deck looks a lot like the Bat-Cave, if the Bat-Cave is where Dilbert worked.

Shepard Smith filmed a whole introduction to the new Fox News news deck for news. Watch it please:

I think we can all agree that the News Deck looks like so many things.

Like, for instance:

J.J. Abrams’ Enterprise, except without Sulu or Uhura.

How the internet works, according to your kindly old great aunt who thinks that every google search requires you to send an electronic fax to an old-timey telephone operator.

A Dr. Seuss drawing of the inside of a television, although being Dr. Seuss he wouldn’t call it a television, he’d call it “The Teleflambunctious Retino-bob!”

The theory — based, one hopes, on significant market research — that Fox News’ key demographic is teenagers who spend their summer afternoons pointing different remote controls at a TV set. Actually, I think this is what Fox News thinks video games are. Actually, I think these kids have been brainwashed by their parents, Dogtooth-style, and the only game they ever play is “Turn On The TV Set,” and nobody ever wins, because the TV set isn’t even plugged in.

A midlife crisis externalized in the form of an ovoid IKEA lamp.

The creeping suspicion that, sometime in mid-July, somebody at Fox News held a meeting, and the meeting was just a “consultant” with a sharp tie and a silver tongue repeating the words “Twitter, iPhone, Twitter, iPhone” through a megaphone.

Every buzzword ever.

Drinks with your co-workers at ESPN Zone.

An admirable attempt to bring together the three forces that define modern-day America.

The simple honest fact that now that you’ve seen a world of touchscreens, these guys really look like a pair of chumps typing on a boring old laptop and reading their boring old paper. Hey chumps, you can’t scroll down paper, you chumps!

That nightmare you had where your boss is looking over your shoulder as you try to get the stupid touchscreen to scroll from Facebook to Firefox.

The possibility that, every now and then, Shepard Smith just runs through the touchscreen field and touches all the touchscreens, yelling “Touchy-Touchy-Touchy!” and giggling like a schoolboy.

Proof that Shepard Smith is the most intense guy to play Wii with.

Seriously, let’s zoom in for a closer look, which is something you’ll be hearing a lot at the Fox News Deck. Look at those eyes, so piercing, straight to your very soul. Those eyes are saying: “Hell yes, I play as Birdo. She’s a pretty little dragon-bird who drives a pink motorbike, and I’m gonna ride that motorbike straight up your a–. You think I’m f—ing with you? I am not f—ing with you. Let’s ride.”

Minority Report with better hair and ‘tude.

Twitter for people who wish that Twitter was more like a scoreboard at a college sporting event.

Twitter for people who wish that Twitter was an audiobook read aloud by Shepard Smith.

Twitter for people who wish that Twitter was a ’90s Nickelodeon game show.

The alternate universe where computer technology advanced the same way it did in our universe, except that instead of “desktop” computers and “laptop” computers, consumer demand drove computer manufacturers to create computers that look like that old Pac-Man arcade table, you know what I’m talking about, it was at the pizza place where you always went after baseball games, and you could set your half-eaten slice of pizza on it and play Pac-Man or Galaga.

The point is, the Fox News office is cooler than yours. Unless you work at Google and you’ve advanced beyond touchscreens to tastescreens.