Thor 2 EW Exclusive
  • Movie

Well, well, well, Christopher Eccleston … I mean, Malekith the Accursed.

Looks like you finally got your own Thor: The Dark World poster.

Does that make you happy? Can anything make you happy if your one mission in life is to tear apart the fabric of space and time? Probably not. But here you are, marching along with tons of swagger. You’re strutting like Leonardo DiCaprio — minus the happy-go-lucky attitude, of course.

And you brought your Black Ark ship, the Fist of Malekith, hovering there in the background. Listen, it’s one thing to name your vehicle. Maybe lots of people do that. But to name it after yourself? Come on, dude. You know all the other dark elves are snickering about that one behind your back.

Speaking of … you also brought your entire posse. Not elf enough to face us on your own? Oh sure, Thor rolls with his own set of homies, but they’re called the Warriors Three, and you’ve got the Elfen Sixteen. Whatever. Hope you like elf meat.

What’s behind this rage? I guess we’ll have to wait until the film opens Nov. 8 to understand your reasoning. But what exactly makes someone hate the world so much he only wants to destroy it? One too many kids tease you about looking like Robocop with his mask off? Hey, high school isn’t easy on anybody. Put it behind you.

It’s probably something much worse than that — like, you lost your wife, and entire family, and are hellbent on making the universe feel the same pain you do. Okay, I feel a little sorrow for you, but you’re still the bad guy.

So, come on. Trashtalking is over. Let’s settle this.

Better take off your porcelain babydoll mask, though. You don’t want to be picking pieces of that thing out of your forehead after coming face-to-face with Thor’s hammer.

He’s gonna hit you so hard, everybody back in your home world is going to forget how to spell Svartalfheim.

  • Movie
  • PG-13
  • 130 minutes
  • Kenneth Branagh