By Erin Strecker
September 22, 2013 at 02:00 PM EDT

Awards shows: Fun, but also more fun if you’re either A.) In the audience or B.) A little bit buzzed. Since you won’t be heading to the Emmys this year, PopWatch has broken down all the likely phrases and jokes you’ll be hearing when Neil Patrick Harris takes to the Emmys stage tonight at 8 p.m. ET. Obviously, PopWatch cautions you to celebrate responsibly — especially if you’re not planning to switch over to Breaking Bad halfway through. Pace yourself!

Take a sip every time:

-Neil references How I Met Your Mother

-Someone mentions the nudity on Girls

-It’s mentioned some nominated shows aren’t even on TV (House of Cards!)

– During an acceptance speech, someone tells their kids to go to bed

– Someone cries during their acceptance speech

– Amy Poehler makes you laugh

-You witness a good photo bomb from someone not realizing they’re on TV

– Every time someone goes in the wrong direction first off the stage

– Someone gets played off

– A winner says, “I didn’t prepare anything!”

– If someone is noticeably drunk

-There’s a win for Modern Family

Take two sips every time somebody:

-Abu Nazir gets a shout out

– Mentions missing Breaking Bad

– There’s a joke about Adam Driver’s nomination in a Comedy category

– A winner references how heavy the trophy is

-A winner is absent

– Sings

– Uses their acceptance speech time to openly beg to be on a specific show

– Has teleprompter issues

Take three sips if:

– There’s some kind of joke about “spoilers”

– There’s a weird moment where the show tries to officially make some kind of hashtag happen

– Someone in the audience is a punchline and they don’t look happy about it

The Daily Show with Jon Stewart doesn’t win Best Variety Series

-There’s some kind of Game of Thrones spoof

Finish your drink if:

-Bryan Cranston doesn’t win for Best Actor in a Drama. Come on!