By Darren Franich
Updated September 16, 2013 at 03:58 PM EDT
  • Movie

Social media pioneer and human bicep Vin Diesel just started filming the next Fast & Furious movie. We know this is true because he posted a picture from the set on his Facebook page. The photo shows Diesel as Dominic Toretto, towering over the camera; although he is wearing a leather jacket, we can surmise that he is wearing one of his trademark black tank tops. Paul Walker is there too, wearing Brian O’Conner’s trademark three-sizes-too-large T-Shirt.

There’s also a young lady who looks unconscious/drugged/dead, and a pretty pond; also, both Diesel and Walker are looking at someone offscreen. With these few bits of information, and because there’s nothing else to do today besides cry about Breaking Bad, let’s try to construct the scene they’re filming as written in the original screenplay:

EXT. Pond — DAY

Brian and Dom Toretto walk up to a REALLY COOL GUY in the shadow of a fir tree. There are lots of hot women on the ground and swimming in the pond. No one is driving a car…we think.

COOL GUY IN THE SHADOWS: Mr. Toretto. I’ve heard a lot about you. You drink Corona, yes?

One of his minions brings Dom a Corona.

DOM: Brian tells me that you know who killed Han.

The COOL GUY IN THE SHADOWS leans forward, and is suddenly out of the shadows. He is wearing an eyepatch, and it is Kurt Russell.

KURT RUSSELL: Of course I know who killed your friend. He’s standing right behind you.

CLICK-CLICK. Dom turns and sees IAN SHAW (played by Jason Statham), who is pointing a shotgun at him.

IAN: You killed my brother.

DOM: Well, you know what they say, boys…

Dom takes a sip of his corona.

DOM: …if you’re going to drink, make sure you have a designated driver.

Suddenly, the pond EXPLODES WITH WATER as four cars drive out from UNDERWATER and emerge on land. They are all Rinspeed Squbas, colored Bright Pink, Neon Orange, Hot Yellow, and Blue Steel, driven by Letty, Roman, Sean Boswell, and Tej. Kurt Russell jumps into a submarine and they chase after him on land and sea, and also there’s a cruise ship or something. Then at the end of the car chase Kurt Russell is crawling away from the wreck of his submarine, and Dom steps over him and points a gun at him.

DOM: Like I always say, you can always depend on family.

KURT RUSSELL: Well, that’s just the problem, Dominic. I AM your family. I’m your father.

DOM: My father died in a race.

KURT RUSSELL: No, your mom’s husband died in a race. And you know who killed him? The guy who won that race. Me. Kurt Russell.

DOM: I don’t believe you.

KURT RUSSELL: Just ask her.

CLICK-CLICK. Dom Toretto turns and sees Pam Grier holding a gigantic magnum revolver in his face.

DOM: Mom?


7 Fast Vengeance Furious: The Redemption

Furious 7

  • Movie
  • PG-13
  • 129 minutes
  • James Wan