By Samantha Highfill
Updated August 27, 2013 at 12:00 PM EDT
Adam Rose/ABC Family

Spoiler alert: If you haven’t watched the Pretty Little Liars summer finale, stop reading NOW!

I’m shaking, and I’m pretty sure my neighbors just called the cops, because my reaction to the final 30 seconds of the Pretty Little Liars summer finale involved a scream Marlon Brando would admire. You guys, it’s EZRA! EZRA is “A” or Red Coat or whatever, but basically, he’s all things wrong with the world (but he’s still so cute)! Let me backtrack:

The episode kicks off with Travis (aka the random guy who conveniently witnessed Hanna’s mom NOT kill Detective Wilden) having to identify Ashley in a line-up. He seems hesitant but is apparently successful, because all of the charges are dropped, and Ashley is free to go! Woohoo! Side note: Did that head nod between Caleb and Travis seem suspect? Did Caleb tip Travis off somehow?

Elsewhere, “A” is stepping up his/her game. Forget text messages. “A” prefers sending packages containing things like four magic eight balls that combine to make a full threat. The good news? World War “A” doesn’t scare the Liars anymore. Well, at least it doesn’t scare Emily … yet. (How’s that for a tease? I should write for this show.)

Back at school, Ezra teaches his class about a love that’s like a “force of nature,” and I swoon, which only makes what happens an hour later that much more painful. I mean, Aria can’t even take her current boyfriend to poetry night, because the (very attractive) jock would rather stay home and fall asleep during a movie. Really? As my roommate put it, he slammed that poetry idea before Aria could even finish her sentence. Get it? Slam poetry? Okay, sorry. Long story short: Aria ends up catching the tail end of poetry night, which leads to a comfy couch conversation with Mr. Fitz … which results in a spontaneous kiss both of them literally shrug off. It’s cute because it’s natural, but it’s also strange, because that should’ve been a bigger moment, right?

Let me not forget to mention the baby coffin that “A” mails the Liars. I wish that were a metaphor of some kind, but it’s not. Inside sits a doll that’s wearing glasses, so it must be Mona. And suddenly the Liars are actually worried about what could happen to Hanna’s ex-best friend, who was recently released from Radley. Also, what is Shana doing at Wren’s? And why is he moving his stuff to Melissa … in London?

Out with the questions, and in with the couples enjoying some quality time! After Hanna makes a horrifically inappropriate comment about her mother’s sex life, she spends the night stalking Mona’s house with Caleb and falling asleep in a very uncomfortable position. Just because it’s your boyfriend’s shoulder doesn’t make it fun. On the other hand, Emily does know how to comfortably sleep on her girlfriend, and Spencer, though not asleep, also looks comfortable in her man’s arms. It’s the calm before the storm … quite literally for me. My cable box went out for a total of four minutes, so let me know if I missed anything big!

So at this point, CeCe Drake has been identified as a suspect in the murder of Detective Wilden, and the girls have gone to Ravenswood while Toby stalks Mona, who meets up with Shana at a B&B. I have no idea what that’s about, but I don’t have time to focus on that. Emily is kidnapped, locked in a coffin, and nearly cut in half at a sawmill! The lesson here: Ravenswood sucks just as hard as Rosewood does. And “A” is getting graphic. Luckily, Red Coat shuts off the saw (because clearly the Liars weren’t going to save their friend in time). Nice work, girls.

Wait, there are two Red Coats! Aria chases one up some stairs and uses her newly acquired combat skills to kick the mask off Red Coat’s face. It’s CeCe! But when she attempts to escape, she nearly falls to her death. Aria catches her, but CeCe might want to invest in a more expensive red coat, because it tears and she falls. However, I doubt she’s dead, considering she got up and seemingly ran/limped away.

Spencer collects the girls and tells them she thinks the other Red Coat is Ali, because she took her to the ultimate “A” team lair. There are pictures of Ali, computers monitoring the police, and timelines for each of the girls, including Ali, who “A” thinks is still alive. Also, this Red Coat/”A” person might be a guy — first clue! — because Hanna finds a row of suits. Honestly, when Aria starts really analyzing photos (including one of Wren), I think she’s going to realize Ezra isn’t in any of them, but I push the horrible thought to the back of my mind. She doesn’t. Instead, the girls decide the mastermind behind it all is board shorts. They just can’t put a (super cute and lovable) face to the name.

According to the timeline, board shorts believes Ali will be at a party tonight, but Ms. Grunwald informs the Liars that it’s invite only. She then informs them that — cue hand-out-of-the-ground flashback! — Ali was scared for her life that summer, and Ms. Grunwald was the one who pulled her out of the ground, but when she went to get a doctor at the hospital, Ali disappeared. And although Grunwald hasn’t seen Ali since, she claims Ali “was never really gone.” She also warns the girls that “he’s here.”

Aaannnddd the black hoodie walks up to the lair. The camera slowly pans around to reveal … Ezra’s face. And he is pissed.

Liars, I’m going to be honest with you: This is the one road I never wanted the show to go down, and yet I think it’s also the only thing that will keep me watching. Bravo, PLL. But also, I hate you.

Final thoughts: Is Ali actually alive? Was that her eye watching the girls in the lair? And what will come of the notebook Hanna stole? What is up with Mona and Shana, or better yet, Wren and Melissa? And how old was that bus Caleb got on?! Did you guys like that symbolism of Caleb exiting Rosewood?

And of course, what is your every thought on the fact that Mr. Fitz is “A”?! When I stop crying, maybe I’ll be willing to talk about it. But probably not.

Hit the comments with all your questions! I will be talking with showrunner Marlene King and Mr. Ian Harding himself tomorrow!