August 23, 2013 at 04:00 AM EDT

1. Anchorman‘s Ron Burgundy to write autobiography titled Let Me Off at the Top! My Classy Life and Other Musings
Terms of his advance were not released, but one publishing insider estimated it at ”kind of a big deal.”

2. Duck Dynasty‘s Willie Robertson laughs off rumors that he’ll enter open race for Louisiana House of Representatives seat
But he said that if he changes his mind, he’ll run on a simple platform of camouflage. (It’s literally covered in camouflage.)

3. Forbes names E L James as No. 1-earning author of 2012 ($95 million) for Fifty Shades trilogy
J.K. Rowling finished in 15th place, and we can’t tell you which of her three pseudonyms ranked 282nd, 346th, and 743rd.

4. Benedict Cumberbatch holds up sign on Sherlock set for paparazzi: ”Go photograph Egypt and show the world something important”
”Wait, which MTV show is she on?” one paparazzo said to the other, who shrugged.

5. Prince joins Twitter, immediately tweets photo of salad with too much pepper
Well, lost that pool. I had $50 on ”eight to 10 aborted tweets in which he was trying to figure out how to make that symbol thingy.”

6. Michelle Obama joins forces with Partnership for a Healthier America for hip-hop album promoting exercise and healthy eating for children; Dr. Oz raps on one track
They were, of course, hoping to get Dr. Dre instead of Dr. Oz, but they’re mostly just grateful that Dr. Oz said yes before Dr. Phil did.

7. In wake of performance-enhancing-drug suspension, Alex Rodriguez’s voice role may be cut from Henry & Me, animated film about Yankees fan battling cancer
The producers first grew concerned when A-Rod blew out four microphones during his recording session.

8. Private plane carrying Ratt and Dokken to next gig makes emergency landing after smoke detected in cabin
Things got worse for the bands when the plane landed smack in the middle of 2013, not 1985.

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