By Jennifer Arellano
Updated August 12, 2013 at 08:14 PM EDT
Mario Testino/VOGUE

This month’s cover girl of the September Issue of Vogue a.k.a the ultimate fashion tome, is none other than Hunger Games heroine and Hollywood’s favorite sound-bite machine, Jennifer Lawrence.

The cover, photographed by Mario Testino, features Lawrence looking like a kittenish Hitchcock dirty-blonde, but in a beautiful-but-adorable, gorgeous-but-goofy, talented-but-humble, girl-next-door/vixen bifurcated way, of course. In the cover story, writer Jonathan Van Meter is the envy of every red-blooded male and quirky-woman-loving woman — err, basically every demographic ever — in getting to hang with J.Law over drinks and be subject to her abounding sass. Van Meter interviewed everyone from her former directors David O. Russell and Jodie Foster, to co-stars like The Hunger Games‘ Woody Harrelson, to her best friend. We’ve rounded up our favorite quotes/lessons from the interview — but these are just cherries on the ice cream cake of the universal truths about the awesomeness of Lawrence.

If Lawrence had an online dating profile (yes, a very unlikely possible world), the internet would implode with her stats. She tells Van Meter that she dislikes “arugula, eggplant, goat cheese” (“I have the taste buds of a 5-year-old”) that she’s “obsessed with Homeland,” and that she’s afraid of pre-teens (“I don’t have nightmares about clowns or burglars or murderers. I have nightmares about 13-year-olds. They terrify me”).

According to Van Meter, she can wax poetic on cleaning products for 20 minutes. “I wake up earlier in the morning when I have new sponges. That counter doesn’t even see it coming.”

… and on people who don’t appreciate her love for sponges (such as ex-boyfriend Nicholas Hoult). “He would never wring them out. We were in the kitchen once, and I picked up the sponge, and it was soapy and wet, and I was like, ‘See?’ These are the kinds of things that make me think we are never going to work.”

She really does relate to Katniss Everdeen from The Hunger Games. “When Winter’s Bone was getting nominated, I had only done indies, and suddenly I was introduced to this brand-new world where I didn’t feel like myself. I was in these weird gowns and listening to people talk about things I didn’t understand. And I remember reading that in the book and being like, Oh, my God, I know exactly what this feels like. I don’t know what it’s like to get ready for your death, but I do know what it’s like to be almost a puppet. And then when I was making the second film, I had become more acquainted with that world, and I think that’s something that Katniss experiences.”

She suffered from anxiety as a kid. “I was a weirdo,” she says. “I wasn’t picked on or anything. And I wasn’t smarter than the other kids; that’s not why I didn’t fit in. I’ve always just had this weird anxiety. I hated recess. I didn’t like field trips. Parties really stressed me out.”

There was a time people thought she wasn’t funny. “I had a very different sense of humor,” she says. Van Meter writes, “Like the time she decided it would be funny to jump out of the emergency exit of a moving school bus; or the time she thought it would be really funny to announce to the entire seventh grade that she wet the bed; or this: ‘My family went on a cruise, and I got a terrible haircut. FYI: Never get your hair cut on a cruise. And I had, like, this blonde curly ‘fro, and I walked into the gym the first day back in seventh grade and everyone was staring at me, and for some reason I thought, I know what I need to do! And I just started sprinting from one end of the gym to the other, and I thought it was hilarious. But nobody else at that age really did. It was genuinely weird.'”

She’s clairvoyant/unapologetic about her passion. “I’ve never said this before,” she tells Van Meter, “because there is no way to say it without it being completely misunderstood, but ever since I was really little, I always had a very normal idea of what I wanted: I was going to be a mom and I was going to be a doctor and I was going to live in Kentucky. But I always knew that I was going to be famous. I honest to God don’t know how else to describe it.”

Hollywood actually loves her for her personality. Jodie Foster, who directed her in The Beaver: “It’s one of the things that I love about her the most — her rapid-fire teenage-boy-humor brain.” Woody Harrelson, co-star in The Hunger Games: “She is one-of-a-kind, man. She is so herself. I love how she doesn’t censor herself. She says the most outrageous sh–. Just incredible, the stuff she’ll say.”

What are your favorite quotes/moments from Oscar winner/producer Jennifer Lawrence? Let us know in the comments!