It’s damn near impossible to simultaneously watch American Ninja Warrior (airing Sunday nights on G4 and Monday nights on NBC) and feel like a respectable human being. Not only are you doing nothing indoors (and watching this of all things?), but you are no ninja. Can you even lift your TV? Don’t even try. What’s the point? You’re a disgrace.
Below are my ill-fated suggestions for “playing along” during ANW — the magnificent Upper Body Beastliness obstacle course quickly winning the hearts and guts of millions of Americans who have less hope than ever of executing a single pull-up in their lifetimes. Rev up your appetite and get ready to live vicariously through these tremendous beasts — and hate yourself more than ever!
OBSTACLE 1: QUINTUPLE STEPS
Retrieve a snack from the kitchen. Repeat five times. Go easy on this one. There’s a lot left to be done, but it’s all downhill from here.
OBSTACLE 2: DOWNHILL JUMP
Pfffft. Anyone could do this. Just ride a skateboard down any railing in your house, then grab whatever’s closest (chocolate?) for support. Move on. It gets darker.
OBSTACLE 3: PRISM TILT
Failure is starting to set in. Squat on the floor, put your head down, and recall your greatest disappointment of the day. Lean forward towards the TV and let the sorrow and shame pour right out of you. If you’ve done a forward somersault, you’ve gone too far and should be more ashamed than ever. Show some respect for the course.
OBSTACLE 4: SWING JUMP
Lift one arm up, then keep reaching at an incredibly awkward angle for the frosted caramel brownie you forgot on the counter behind you. While doing so, take some time to inspect the egregious decay of your tricep. Was it ever taut and purposeful, even once, when you were younger? How did you let this happen?
OBSTACLE 5: CIRCLE CROSS
Use all of the core strength in your possession to unwrap one of those gross artificially flavored fruit pies.
Great! You’re nasty. Ready for rounds 6-10?
OBSTACLE 6: THE WARPED WALL
Remember that time you felt completely useless while watching American Ninja Warrior? Get over it.
Oh you can’t? It’s insurmountable? Well, whatever. Move on. You deserve the suffering ahead.
OBSTACLE 7: SALMON LADDER
Think really hard about the most unpleasant experience possible (in my case: the Flexed Arm Hang in junior high). That probably took a lot out of you. Go ahead and move on to the next round.
OBSTACLE 8: RUMBLING DICE
Using just your toes, maneuver the TV remote from one end of the Ottoman to the other. Can’t find the remote? Try searching under the rolls of flab spilling over your waistband.
OBSTACLE 9: BODY PROP
Butt clenches. All the way. What else can you really offer to the world, at this point?
OBSTACLE 10: SPIDER CLIMB
You know what, just sit there and gape at the superheroes. You’re useless.
Sidenote: This lady (on the left, not the clown) reminded me of Claudia Schiffer at the airport in Love Actually. Yes?
Ugh! I’ve failed again.
Only nine of the Top 30 qualifiers in tonight’s Baltimore finals completed the course — congrats to top finishers Dan Galiczynski, Joe Moravsky, and Brian Wilcezwski. But the six others who made it the fastest/farthest — despite their ultimate failure! — have all advanced to the Las Vegas finals. So maybe, just maybe, there is hope for us after all. Nah, just kidding. We didn’t even qualify.
Do you, too, enjoy lifelessly watching American Ninja Warrior? Are you inspired to WORK OUT (your issues)?
Got any of your own DIY ANW event suggestions to add? They’ve gotta be more productive than mine.