By Annie Barrett
August 01, 2013 at 12:00 PM EDT

On the season 2 finale of Bravo’s Million Dollar Listing New York, Luis sold a Richard Meier West Village unit that I would sell my soul to live in, which would never even work because my soul is worth approximately $6.4 million under the asking price. DAMN RICH PEOPLE. Ugh. End of recap. But no.

Frederik went into business with the king of all evil (Donald Trump). And in a prompt and businesslike Central Park bench meeting, Frederik and Luis patched up their differences with a solid “hug it out.” Oh, and Top American Cretin Ryan Serhant used a lascivious new Upper West Side listing featuring Catholic revival decor, spy cams everywhere, and sex swing hooks on the ceiling (blame New York!) to stage a completely absurd fakeout screening of a movie from his nemesis Frederik’s past porn career as Tag Eriksson. Man, that was a mouthful. (That’s what he said.)

It was all really gross, uncomfortable, and delicious, depending on how big of a scumbag you are of course. I’m a huge one, at least in my TV/internet life — so I thought the finale was top-notch.

For me, Ryan absolutely came out as one of the most immature, sleaziest villains reality TV has ever seen. “Just know that I am the American Dream, baby,” he triumphantly seethed to an “I am soooooooo over this whole experience ” Frederik. “And you are just a cheap, shiny import.” UGH. NO. GROSS. Stop speaking for Americans, Serhant! In this and in all other possible scenarios, let it be known that I SIDE WITH SWEDEN.

Samir Hussein/Redferns

The American Dream, baby. A bright purple Vespa and career-damaging prank calls to Frederik’s most powerful colleague. WAY TO GO.

The three brokers came together (under contract/clearly against Frederik’s will) on Watch What Happens Live and the tension between Ryan and Frederik was brutally fierce and even somewhat depressing. At one point Luis, all hyped up and ready to go, sneezed in the middle of the rock and the hard place, seemingly to break up the tension by accident — and the silence only intensified. It was awful! I wanted Frederik’s stunning artist husband Derek (reluctantly playing the role of bartender, because how could you not have a man that beautiful as the WWHL bartender?) to throw a green tea on someone — anyone! Andy Cohen! — but he just stood around with his signature “We’re both too good for this reality television experience, and now we’re sure of that” stony half-smile. The whole thing was very unsettling.

I wouldn’t be surprised if Frederik turned down participating in another season. He’s making private islands’ worth of cash anyway, so it’s not like he needs the exposure, and the negative attention might have ended up consuming him. There are a lot of reasons to love and hate Frederik, but his hesitation about the reality TV experience definitely makes me love him.

They could base an entire season around young Puerto Rican hot shot Luis… and get rid of Ryan, too. Just saying. Maybe get a female broker or two in there? By the way, on WWHL, tons of viewers wanted to know if Luis felt his excessive f-bombs in business dealings made him look unprofessional after he watched himself on TV. And he said yes! That was cool. He gets it. He’s just so passionate, he explained. He urged us to try to read the subtext of all the swear words in order to understand what he truly means. (More swear words in Spanish.)

More WWHL revelations: Luis is single and ready to pass out on your couch, Ryan has been in “a relationship” (major air quotes, it seems) for “not that long, a little while,” and Frederik and Derek did not get a prenup. (Remember?)

Halfhearted high kick after that mess. Good/slimy finale and a sobering WWHL. I thought I’d never see the day.


Did you watch?

And is anyone still teary-eyed over Frederik and Derek’s wedding last week? I thought there was NO WAY Derek actually threw that iPhone into the ocean. It was totally behind his back after he pretended. Reality TV isn’t real?! I’m appalled.

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