'Real Housewives of NJ' Episode Nine: On Thin Giud-Ice
What’s that I hear? A possible breakthrough in the everlasting and ever-soulsucking Giudice-Gorga drama? Hallelujah! It only took two and a half seasons and a few dozen migraines for the former enemies to begin a healthy new start.
Worried about being replaced with a brand new cast Because the fighting had reached an all-time low (Melissa begging on her knees, Joes colliding, Joe Gorga crying), the main issue with all the drama — Joe Gorga and his sister Teresa — was seemingly resolved with a nice little therapy session courtesy of L.A. Shrinks‘ Dr. V.
Will the temporary peace become permanent? Will Melissa’s eyelashes stay on after a night of hot cooking? Will Jacqueline stop looking like she’s on something? Who knows! But let’s list the five things we learned after watching last night’s episode:
1.) For the first time in a very long time, Teresa appears to have some sort of organ that pumps blood to the rest of her body — including her “brain” — and appeared to actually be … dare we say, sorry? She even cried — and it looked real. She was incredibly humble, too.
There are two possible reasons why Teresa had such a sudden and dramatic change of heart. (The time it took for her to go from a Melissa-ruining agenda to an “I’ve always loved you” sister-in-law would give anyone whiplash.) First, it’s possible Teresa realized that her fan base was dwindling. After all, it’s difficult to support a raging lunatic. Or, Teresa could actually have truly missed her brother and wanted a better relationship with his wife. I choose to believe the second possibility, but only because I need to maintain my faith in humanity in some way. Let’s give her the benefit of the doubt.
2.) While Teresa undergoes this transformation from bats–t crazy to the somewhat watchable, Melissa is moving toward the title of the one who used to be everyone’s favorite. Key words, “used to be.” The issue? Melissa hasn’t actually changed over the past couple of years. She’s still the same girl that she always has been. However, she has been onscreen for a larger amount of time each season, especially with Caroline and Jacqueline becoming non-existent characters. And now that we’re seeing more of Melissa, the less we like her. When she was brought into Joe and Teresa’s therapy session, she acted as if she didn’t want anything solved. Eventually, Teresa and Melissa made up after a dramatic montage of complex thoughts and profound dialogue. Dr. V took one for the team and told the two to stop with the effin’ Twitter, as if middle-aged women need to learn that middle schoolers fight over Twitter (oh wait, they do).
3.) So you know how you have that friend who is just the funniest person when they’re drunk? Like, they’re the perfect going-out friend? Yeah, Melissa is not that person. She’s the friend who you hate to party with because all of a sudden, her voice gets all nasally and she cracks jokes that aren’t funny (telling Rosie that she likes “fuzzy peaches”? OMG so funny Melissa!) Her annoying thoughts make Joe Giudice, who chips his tooth and makes his daughters’ cry when he’s drunk, seem like a more fun person to hang out with. But come on! After the past couple of days they had, everyone deserved to get wasted — it’s just too bad Melissa was the only one who thought that way. While the men were out ice fishing, the women decided to cook up a nice little meal. Kathy and Teresa actually looked like they were enjoying each other’s company, in a way that makes a smile seem like it can actually stab someone if it’s big enough. Melissa couldn’t cook anymore because the smoke was messing up her eyelashes. She decided to drink instead — good idea! Hey, when the kids aren’t around, right? She then proceeded to try and get everyone else on her level. Rich decided to say something to shut her up, yay! Wait, Rich told Joe Gorga to be a man and shut his wife up, nay, Rich, nay.
4.) What is that I see … A TEAR IN JOE GIUDICE’S EYE? I never thought I’d see the day. I thought that I would see Teresa give Melissa a foot massage before I ever saw Joe Giudice even break a smile without it being after a homophobic slur or calling his wife a c–t. Of course, this doesn’t excuse the fact that he’s awful, but it’s refreshing to see him actually exude some kind of personality other than jackass.
5.) Over in Caroline/ Jacqueline/ Kathy aka the Undesirables World, nothing happened. During trust exercises, Caroline said that she would fall into Teresa’s arms if one day Teresa would do the same with Jacqueline. Dramatic music. Stares. She mentioned Jacqueline’s name! Yawn. I must admit it was very nice of Caroline to
be chauffeured drive all that way upstate to solve some drama, even though she said that she hates drama. Mmmkay. Meanwhile, back in Jersey, Jacqueline and Chris had an uncomfortable talk about the first time that they “found themselves.” Aaaaand the television goes to mute. Kathy got about three seconds of screentime, apologizing to Teresa for calling her dad a liar on last season’s Reunion. Teresa apologized for talking about Kathy’s dad. Teresa. Apologized. Everyone is shocked.
So what did you think, PopWatchers? Did the Joes make ice fishing extremely uncomfortable to watch? Should one authentic tear from Giudice give him a reason to exist? How does Jacqueline still look half asleep even after all that Botox? Will Bravo answer my wishes and give Melissa less screentime and give Kathy half of the show to herself? Sound off below!
The Real Housewives of New Jersey