By Hillary Busis
July 19, 2013 at 09:22 PM EDT
  • TV Show

[Big, fat SPOILER ALERT for those who somehow haven’t torn through all of OITNB yet.]

My first thought, upon finishing the first season of Orange Is the New Black just moments ago: “Holy s%&*#!”

My second thought: “Thank Pennsatucky’s sweet baby Jesus we’re getting a season 2.”

Because if the show as a whole had ended like that — with Piper Chapman, Nice Blonde Smith Graduate, nearly beating a snaggletoothed hillbilly to death as a children’s chorus sang angelically — I would have started screaming like that crazy-haired inmate did after discovering that someone had stolen her secret bathroom cell phone. (Yes, I know — I have a problem. I’d say I’m about to go into OITNB withdrawal, but considering the show’s subject matter, that would be in poor taste.)

In short, just about everything at Litchfield is topsy-turvy as the series’ 13th episode comes to a close. In long: Chapman has been driven to murder — maybe — after being rejected by both her straight fiance on the outside and her gay prison lover. Red has been stripped of her post as head of the kitchen, leaving her powerless and furious. Mendez, a.k.a. Pornstache, is head-over-heels in love with Daya (!), whose own relationship with Bennett is another question mark. Healy has revealed himself to be just the worst. Fig is quite possibly embezzling prison funds. Nicky and Alex may be a thing now, which is especially weird because those are also the names of Uncle Jesse and Aunt Becky’s twins.

There’s so much to discuss, in fact, that we might as well just make a list:

– First and foremost, did Piper kill Tiffany?! A recent casting announcement may or may not answer that question — don’t look if you want to remain entirely unspoiled — but still, it’s worth speculating about.

– And what’s going to happen to Chapman now? Will she be locked up in the SHU for all of season 2? Will she be transferred to a maximum security prison? If so, can it please be the same one as Miss Claudette? (I just want Miss Claudette to be okay.)

– Does Piper and Larry’s breakup mean no more dumb Larry scenes next year? I do like Jason Biggs, but let’s face it: Any time he’s onscreen, I just wish we could be watching Taystee and Poussey shooting the sh– instead.

– Speaking of, is Taystee ever going to get out of this place? Her return to Litchfield was both hugely disappointing and heartbreakingly inevitable — but I’d love to see the show really explore the difficulties of adjusting to life outside.

– Is anyone else horrified to find that they’re actually feeling sympathy for Mendez? I mean, sure, he’s a total skeeze who covered up poor Tricia’s real cause of death to save his own ass — but dude is clearly really, really lonely. Also: Whoa, Tricia is incredibly beautiful in real life.

– Why wasn’t Little Boo in the Christmas pageant?

– Have you realized yet that Yoga Jones is played by none other than the voice of Patti Mayonnaise?!

– Wasn’t it great when Nicky auditioned for the pageant by telling Red’s favorite tasteless joke? (“And finally, the penguin goes, ‘He’s not an eggplant! He’s retarded!”)

– Man, how is Daya going to get herself out of this mess?

– Will “You’ve Got Time” ever not be stuck in my head?

– Finally, what’s on your season 2 wishlist? A flashback episode for Crazy Eyes — sorry, Suzanne — is at the top of mine, especially after that tantalizing peek we got at her lily-white parents. Glimpses into Poussey, Taystee, and Boo’s pasts are way up there too. And I wouldn’t mind more scenes of Red’s pre-prison life, either — specifically, I’m wondering how someone as smart and ruthless as her got caught in the first place.

Jenji Kohan’s absorbing ensemble dramedy, based on Piper Kerman’s memoir of the same name, takes viewers inside the walls of Litchfield, a minimum security women’s prison where nothing’s as simple as it seems—especially the inmates.
  • TV Show
  • 6
  • TV-MA
  • 07/11/13
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