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The incessant TV spots for The Conjuring (out July 19, if you can stay alive ’til then, which is not likely) have infiltrated my brain so thoroughly that I never want to sleep, light candles, or hang laundry again. And two out of three of those are major pastimes of mine! This is VERY inconvenient. I used to be so full of hope.

The evil geniuses promoting the movie seem to only air these at night — all night, on every channel — with the express purpose of freaking us the f— out. In case you’ve managed to escape these commercials (which would mean you haven’t turned on your TV this month — congrats), allow me to answer your burning questions.

What’s in my bed? Mosquitoes, plus “a dark force — something inhuman — which has latched itself to your family.”

Will I sleep tonight? No. There’s a “lady in a dirty nightgown” that you, too, will see in your dreams. She will likely “conjure” you out of the bed at 3, 4, and 6 a.m. so it might be best to just not.

Have I stretched enough today? No — and to remedy that, the “something inhuman” will snatch your right leg if you do fall asleep (again, don’t) and move you down your bed into an irrevocable zone of hauntedness. Enjoy the next day and the rest of your compromised life.

Should I sleep diagonally then? I wouldn’t even bother; you’re doomed.

Am I safe in my own home? Hell to the no! You are all alone right now. You could be alone forever. Just you. Or a pair of hands could grab you, fatally, and there would be no more you either. Just hands.

Where is there danger? Just inches behind you. [CLAP CLAP.]

Whatever happened to The Clapper? It recently transitioned to Completely Evil, and it’s in this movie. Possibly in your house.

Where are the blood-curdling screams coming from? Inside your mind, or the basement if you have a basement. (Lucky!) (You’re dead.)

Do NOT just mute it. I’ve been down that corpse-strewn road. Change the channel. The Clapper is closer than you think.

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Hell to the No!
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