By Sheridan Watson
Updated July 08, 2013 at 04:54 PM EDT

The Real Housewives of New Jersey

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Hello PopWatchers, is anyone else suffering from a headache due to last night’s Real Housewives of New Jersey episode “D. is for Drama”? Man, was that a blur. We had Teresa suggest the idea of going on a retreat (Melissa is in it for the castle), Melissa trying way too hard to be sexy, and Jacqueline going all One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest on us. So grab your Cabernet and let’s break down the ep:

Problem: You like to call other people crazy as you’re yelling at them over speakerphone in a public place.

So Jacqueline and Kathy got together for some nice shopping R&R. Too bad Teresa called inviting Kathy to a retreat where the whole clan can work out their feelings. Kathy decided to be a genius and put Teresa on speakerphone. Oh wait, Jacqueline’s name comes up. Oh wait, Jacqueline is actively listening because she’s tired of the drama. Jacqueline proceeds to rip the phone out of Kathy’s hand and scream at Teresa over the phone. Poor Kathy is chasing after her trying to defuse the situation. People are staring. Jacqueline doesn’t care because she’s too busy calling Teresa crazy: “You’re a liar, liar, liaaaaaaaaaar.” Let’s just say that it’s hard to call someone a thief when you’re holding a bunch of stolen phones. I want Aggressive Jacqueline to go away. I’m glad you found your voice, but you really need to learn how to use it. P.S. That dress is awful. P.P.S. Good job throwing a napkin at Kim D. Because that is how middle-aged mothers act in public (I’m not saying that Kim D. didn’t deserve it, but come on, a napkin?)

Problem: You are really proud of yourself, like a little TOO proud.

Melissa, girl. Yes, you are pretty. Yes, your marriage seems like it’s going well. Yes, you have a lot to be thankful for, but there is a fine line between confidence and narcissism — and you’re tipping over. Did anyone else notice Melissa’s friends’ faces when she told them about the book deal? Priceless. Bless Melissa’s heart, she is so excited — you would have thought she had won a Pulitzer.

Melissa, Kathy, Joe Gorga and Rich decided to take a Seduction 101 class, if seducing meant every single movie cliché in the book. Melissa took it seriously, moving her body as if her life depended on it while Kathy was ready to book it as fast as she could. Rich, never missing an opportunity to be an a–hole, told Melissa that he fantasized about her. HAHA, so hilarious Rich, especially when your wife is in the room!

Problem: You need new friends. Seriously, just replace them all.

Where do I start? So Jan was in Melissa’s wedding. Melissa and Jan are super duper close. Jan goes out to dinner with random friend #1, New Jersey’s most annoying real estate agent Jennifer (more on her later), the next Secretary of State Kim D., and Teresa. On a quest to become a new housewife or at least gain some more air time, Kim D. pokes Jan to tell Teresa a story about Melissa cheating. Teresa sits still, doing her best to show that she’s willing to work on her relationship with her brother, all with a glint in her eye and internally salivating at the mouth over the information. Teresa wants nothing to do with it! But hey, she can’t stop others, right? This can’t end well.

Flashforward to Jennifer having lunch with Melissa and spilling all the details. Melissa can’t believe that Jan would do that. She’s not very surprised that her sister-in-law was there either. You’d think that Jennifer would stop there but nope! She also goes to Teresa. As annoying as her voice is, and how unflattering a smoky eye with a glossy red lip is during the day time, Jennifer does get a few points for being brutally honest. She wants Melissa’s housing listing and is prepared to show her loyalty and do whatever it takes. Hey, at least she’s upfront about her backstabbing.

Problem: You know someone named Kim D.

Just go away, please. The drama you stir up isn’t even fun, it’s just getting to a sad point now. I’d trade you for Danielle Staub any day.

Melissa’s aggravation with Kim D. is understandable, but her line about Kim D. needing to go jump off the GW Bridge was a little too much for me to handle. I know she was just probably just trying to be snarky, yet it’s hard to be snarky when people do actually jump off the GW Bridge …

Problem: You’re barely part of the show now.

Caroline? Hello? Where are you? Oh, you’re eating with Al! Wait, scene over.

So what did you think of the episode? I thought that it had a bit of a strange pacing and a whole lot of nothing construed to make it look like a whole lot of something. Let me hear your thoughts. Would you ever buy a house from Jennifer? Is Teresa’s retreat a good idea? How uncomfortable were you when Melissa and Joe made out in front of everyone? (Yeah, that really proves you’re not a cheater, Melissa.) How long do you think it takes for Kim D. to come up with ways to bring Melissa down? How greasy has Rich been looking lately? And how delicious did that home-made sausage look? Aaaand Milania’s Hyde is back.

Next Week: Lots of dramatic shots of buildings, snow and hands while ominous voice-overs play overheard. There will be a tackle.

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The Real Housewives of New Jersey

The Jersey housewives and extended clans keep the Garden State interesting.
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