By Annie Barrett
Updated July 01, 2013 at 12:00 PM EDT

Andy Cohen calls the new Bravo reality series “Downton Abbey on a private yacht.” After tonight’s premiere, I’m calling it “Saved by the Bell, the Summer Edition: Lost at Sea.” (Imagine a very special episode in which one of the Bayside crew finds a baggie of coke on the volleyball court at Malibu Sands and then hands it over to Stacy Carosi. Well, anyone except Jessie Spano, because we all know she’d be so excited that she’d keep it.) But there’s plenty of time to get all royal about it. For now, I’m hooked, at the bottom of the sea.

We met the crew of Honor (it took me nearly until episode’s end to realize their polo shirts said “Honor” instead of “Honda”) and the yacht’s guests, a merry group of gay L.A. photographers led by Johnny Eyelash (really) — a great big drunk guy (hey, he’s paying for it) who wore a series of heavily soiled bathrobes while wandering around in search of cocktails, information, and ultimately, sausages.

Within one day of pushing off from St. Martin in the Caribbean, though, party girl crew member Kat found a baggie of white powder in a bathroom and — maybe only because she was on camera? — tattled on the guests, forcing Captain Lee (Burt Reynolds) (not really) to turn the boat around. I know she did the right thing, legalities and all, but this whole plot was shocking to me. Since when is it not standard protocol for rich blowhards to do coke on a yacht?

Johnny Eyelash was NOT amused — here he was thinking he’d have his sexy Caribbean photo shoot air on TV to rave reviews and good publicity, and now this? Unacceptable! “I have a sun issue,” he stated menacingly to the crew, none of whom would tell him what was happening or why they’d turned the boat around. This was both infuriating and hilarious until Burt Reynolds FINALLY told the guests that the crew had found their coke.

Gee I wonder if it was this guy’s?

Was Captain Lee for real? “I’m as serious as a heart attack,” he assured the “selfish pricks.” DRAMA AT SEA.

The guests’ surprise departure allowed for a very convenient all-crew (minus Captain Lee, tragically) above-deck party! “There was gonna be lamb for the cokeheads,” explained a glum chef Ben, whose hair is out of control. The crew would just have to eat that lamb themselves.

Ben was PISSED that Kat’s good deed meant no $1000 tip for him.

Already there’s beef (not lamb) between chief stew (not lamb) Adrienne and Sam, who complained to the camera right away that Adrienne was “eye raping” her with her stern glare and promptly took a nap on the clock on Day 2. Sam’s parents own a yacht, and there’s “kind of a stigma attached to that,” explained Adrienne, so maybe they wouldn’t have gotten along anyway. Sam has an I’m-better-than-you perma-smirk and Adrienne seems to have a raging insecurity complex (at one point modeling black bikini bottoms for the photographers even though they were more interested in six-foot-tall Sam), so it’ll be nothing but sparks and obnoxious kitchen utensil clangs between these two. It’s almost like…they were cast in these roles.

Highlights and Lowlights:

–“ARE THERE ANY SAUSAGES?” –an impatient Johnny Eyelash, who’d grown tired of being unserviced in “the land of no information”

–Sam shaving C.J.’s back seemingly the same day she met him. These two are roommates and will be promptly having sex, possibly in the ocean (as seen in the rest-of-season preview)

–C.J. twice tried to make excuses for Sam’s nap: First it was that she was “taking a sh*t” and then it was “She got her period.”

–“I live in the bottom bunk — that doesn’t mean I’m a bottom.” –Dave, the former Marine (but technically it does mean that?)

–“Is tomorrow Blackout Day?” –Kat the Rat, who was dying to get hammered already because why else would one do reality TV?

–Re: Captain Lee: “He’s kind of like the Wizard of Oz, and you don’t wanna piss that guy off,” explained Kat.

Coming up this season: More bitchery, “t*ts shown,” hookups in the sea, and a fire on board. Are you in?

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