Step one: Novel sells millions of copies. Step two: Novel gets optioned for adaptation into a feature film. Step three: Everyone in Hollywood and their third cousin tries to get a part in said film.

Unfortunately, producers of publishing behemoth Fifty Shades of Grey might have a little bit of trouble trying to cast some of the top young actors in Hollywood today. Due in theaters on Aug. 1, 2014, casting rumors upon casting rumors upon casting rumors have floated around, but with a quick interview or tweet, most of the rumors have gone kaput within a second. So maybe some actors don’t want to play the domineering Christian or the pure Ana, not even for the potential of well-paying sequels.

Let’s relive some of the dismissals that Fifty Shades has had to face thus far:

Eh, that’s nothing

Aaron Taylor-Johnson’s publicist told USA TODAY: “Aaron is not doing 50 Shades of Grey.” Rather simple. In another article, a WME agent was quoted saying that the actor “is going to be the supportive father by staying at home this fall to take care of the couple’s two kids” since his wife Sam Taylor-Wood is the film’s director.

Run some cold water over it

Jerry O’Connell to E!: “I’ll go see the Fifty Shades movie, but I’m too old to play Christian Grey.”

Ouch, do you want some aloe vera for that burn?

Armie Hammer in Playboy: “No one actually offered me the movie, but while I was working on Lone Ranger my agent brought it up, and I said ‘Nope.’ I mean, come on–it’s just mommy porn. I’m not going to sit on top of the laundry machine in spin cycle reading about putting a ball gag in someone’s mouth. That doesn’t do it for me.”

Third degree, see a doctor right away

Emma Watson on Twitter: “Who here actually thinks I would do 50 Shades of Grey as a movie? Like really. For real. In real life.”

Besides a few denials, a few names keep popping up consistently on the list. Apparently Ian Somerhalder is in the mix, as is Alex Pettyfer and Henry Cavill. And even Alexander Skarsgard has said that he loves the role of Christian. Pretty Little Liars stars Lucy Hale and Ashley Benson both covet Ana’s part but there’s reportedly some competition from Alexis Bledel and Selena Gomez.

But who would you cast? I’d cast someone like Megan Fox, who has had to deal with playing one-dimensional cardboard characters her entire career. I love the books, but let’s be real: The character development is around the same as a commercial for CarFax.

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