Credit: Kitsch: Frank Connor

Captain Planet

Fondly-remembered and rarely-rewatched early-’90s cheesefest Captain Planet and the Planeteers will be adapted into a hilariously expensive franchise-baiting blockbuster film, if Hollywood has its way. EW has confirmed the news, initially reported by the Hollywood Reporter, that Sony is working on a film version of the cartoon, which starred five kids with magic elemental powers, a monkey, and a superhero whose only weakness was garbage. Mark Gordon, Don Murphy, and Susan Montford are slated as producers on the film — Montford and Murphy previously had a deal to turn Planet into a Cartoon Network movie, before Cartoon Network adopted a new pro-pollution policy and/or came to their senses.

All kidding aside, the mythology of Captain Planet actually has some potential. The five leads have rings which give them power over the elements: Earth, Wind, Water, Fire…and also Heart, because love is the fifth element or whatever. And as goofy as the show was, the rogues’ gallery was stacked with some of the best villain names this side of Gotham City: Half-rat Verminous Skumm, piglike Hoggish Greedly, mad lady scientist Dr. Barbara Blight. (Fun fact: Those characters were originally voiced by Jeff Goldblum, Ed Asner, and Meg Ryan, respectively.)

Maybe the film could age up the leads into adulthood and tell a gritty, depressing story about global warming. If so, here are our free suggestions for the lead roles:

Kwame: Djimon Hounsou

Wheeler: Chris Pine

Linka: Olga Kurylenko

Gi: Zhang Ziyi

Ma-Ti: Diego Luna

The Monkey: Andy Serkis

Captain Planet: Taylor Kitsch

Captain Planet’s Mullet: Miley Cyrus’ new-wave twerk cut

Gaia: Minka Kelly, but voiced by Whoopi Goldberg

The Soviet Union: Russia

Follow Darren on Twitter: @DarrenFranich

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