Good God, how I love a pageant! Miss USA and Donald Trump always manage to select the finalists with the most compelling passions. Here’s what you missed:

First up was the bikini competition. Just kidding! That only looks like a bathing suit. Those “bodyguards” in the background, by the way, wore glasses with blinking red lights on them. It’s just one of the dozens of ways the year 2013 has failed us…today.

Hey, there’s Olivia Munn.

Kate Middleton…

Brooke Burke?

Jenna Elfman’s grandmother?

“This is what I look like lying down!” said Giuliana Rancic to knowing co-host Nick Jonas. No, but really: Giuliana’s best line of the night was “We have got a great show for dads — and the whole family.”

Best informative voiceover moment:

“Interesting fact here: Kristin said the toughest part about competing in Miss U.S.A. was giving up pasta!”