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May 25, 2013 at 12:00 PM EDT

I’ve made a huge, tiny mistake: I agreed to recap ALL of Netflix’s 15 new Arrested Development episodes, right away, in ONE blog post! What a fun, sexy time for me! ‘Huzzah!’

My plan is to start Sunday right at 3 a.m. ET — I’ll get three or four up, try to sleep, though yeah right, and start back up again around 1 p.m. ET. It’s going to take everything in my power not to keep pressing Rewind (like anyone would want to R her) to absorb every joke, screengrab, etc. There will be things I miss, but I’ll do my best to capture at least the general flavor of each installment so we can all discuss ’em. Or are you chicken?

Please help me come up with an appropriate snack list below:


–juice box (box of wine)

–a banger in the mouth

–a whole thing of candy beans

–sour balls that have rolled out of my pocket

–frozen banana (what could it cost, $10?)


–an ice cream sandwich

–Cloudmir vodka jello shots (SHE’S MIXING!)

–Beef Consommé

–bag-and-boil Chicken Teriyaki or Marsala

–cornbread balls (Cornballer approximation)

–tuna melt (The Ike and Tina Tuna  approximation)

–everything in my apartment (Skip’s Scramble approximation)

–anything… with club sauce


–hot ham water (duh!)


–salad dressing, I think. But for some reason I don’t wanna eat it.

–Burger King. “It’s a wonderful restaurant!”

–…….and a piece of toast

Kill some time: Lucille Bluth vs. the Disney Princesses


“I don’t know what ‘Vine’ is, and I don’t care to find out.” —Lucille

Consider David Cross’ advice to binge-viewers: “Don’t freak out when you’re watching it, don’t overthink it because I guarantee you, you will watch it again. Everyone will watch this show more than once. You’re going to pick up new stuff, I’m sure there will be some chat rooms where people will have figured out certain things that those guys laid in there, so just enjoy it. Enjoy it once and you can study it later. The test won’t be for a month.”


Craig Sjodin/ABC

Season 4, Episode 1: ‘Flight of the Phoenix’

Now the story of a family whose future was abruptly cancelled…It’s Michael’s Arrested Development.

AGGGHHH. There are so many guest cameos in this premiere I just blue myself! Kristen Wiig was absolutely convincing as a younger Lucille complaining about “the Mexican war on May 5” as Seth Rogen thoughtfully stood by as younger George Senior. Lucille 2 (Liza Minnelli) was back within one minute, her vertigo raging and checkbook at the ready. Henry Winkler as Barry Zuckerkorn! We saw Christine Taylor as Sally Sitwell (sarcastically kicking herself for not marrying Michael), plus her alpaca father Stan — in flashbacks hilariously emblazoned with “SHOWSTEALER PRO TRIAL VERSION” because this is Netflix, not Fox. Screw you, Fox!

And then of course, the guys from Workaholics dutifully working the Out West Airlines ticket counter — Adam DeVine, Blake Anderson, Anders Holm, and Erik Griffin (who plays Montez). If you didn’t recognize them, just rest assured that this was a genius way to get Twitter fired up about the new season of Arrested Development.

Michael has fallen into a pit of despair much deeper than the unsteady ground at Sudden Valley. He had to whore himself out to Lucille 2 to “earn” enough money to finally build up the development, only to watch it become a ghost town as its “main internet and information cable” was severed — a fine metaphor for the series falling just behind the late-2000s TV-on-the-Internet boom and forever losing the chance to catch up. (Michael’s cell phone calendar is still stuck on 2003!) He resorts to living in George Michael’s UC Irvine dorm room — and even though this is tragic, seeing father and son stroll around campus in their college t-shirts (Michael’s from the University of Phoenix) and signature khakis is nothing short of heart-exploding.

Oh yeah — and a visiting Maeby and George Michael are totally hooking up! (Update: We learn in episode 12 that Maeby was there to receive tutoring through an official school program for math-challenged “alge-tards”.)

Eventually Michael gets voted out of the dorm room, Survivor-style, and after a taxicab-singe situation in the real Phoenix in which another Bluth Boy almost loses his hand, Michael must return to his mother’s penthouse…where Lindsay has been living/trashing the place.

Favorite line: “Have you ever even been on a plane, you piece of s—?” –Michael to P-Huan or P-Hound (somewhat reminiscent of “Has anyone in this family ever even seen a chicken?”)

News: George Sr. and Lucille are getting a divorce; Buster’s hook is bejeweled.

Guys, I’m leaving out SO MUCH STUFF and yet I’m never gonna get through this if I take so long for each installment. I’m going to keep the summaries short and include as many THROWBACK MOMENTS as I can notice upon a first viewing….

–George Michael to Michael this time: “What have we always said is the most important thing?” (He’d tried ‘family’! But George Michael was looking for ‘privacy’)

–G.O.B. attempting to erase Michael’s memory by wrestling him to the ground — a trademark move — with his last Forget Me Now. So easy to forget!

–recurring anchorwoman Trisha Thoon

–Michael’s stuttering series of “Look…look…listen…listen..look…” was a sign he’d become just as pathetic as G.O.B. (Come on!)

–“NO TALKING.” replaced “NO TOUCHING.” (Michael’s directive to the roommates about what to do once the votes came in)

–Loose seal reference! A kid in young Michael’s school play, “The Trial of Captain Hook,” had to battle a giant version of the school’s seal while suspended mid-air.

–That mural while Michael was on the moving walkway! Scenes from the entire series, finishing up with London (Wee Britain) and the Queen Mary sailing away with another LOOSE SEAL in the foreground.

–I loved that it was a huge ostrich that let Michael know Lindsay was in the penthouse — a nod to season 1’s “Key Decisions,” when Lindsay pretends to care about the environment but, after Michael points out her expensive animal-dependent boots, tosses out one of the best lines ever: “Well I don’t care about ostriches.” She does care now! There’s one in the house!

NEXT: Season 4, Episode 2: ‘Borderline Personalities’

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