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EW’s box-office prognosticator Grady Smith is on vacation. Fortunately, your grandparents just sent you an email, and they made their own predictions about the weekend box office. Read on!

Dear Sport,

Your grandmother and I sure are excited about all the movies coming out this winter. Wait, it’s summer? I must have switched up my pills again. Anyhow, you forgot about Mother’s Day. Grandmothers are still mothers!

We’ve been to the movies quite a bit lately. It’s hard to put on 3-D glasses on top of bifocals. But we were so excited about Bash Lerman’s The Great Gatsby, which reminded us of the good old days. It would have been lovely if it had been a silent film and also if it had been much shorter.

Anyhow, kiddo, the doctors say we need to keep our brains active, and we’re not quite ready to move up to Medium-Level Sudoku. In the waiting room, we found a list of the movies coming out in theaters this weekend, and we thought it would be a hoot to predict how much money they would make. Imagine that!

1. Star Wars: The Darkness$5,376

There’s a new Star Wars movie coming out this weekend. I remember taking your mother to see the first Star Wars movie. So loud! What’s that? Oh, apparently this is a Star Trek? I don’t much care for Star Trek, but that Leonard Nimoy certainly has aged well. And Zachary Quinto is from Pittsburgh! Did you know that? I bet you two would have a lot in common.

2. The Iron Man$3,047

Your grandfather really enjoyed reading Superman comics when he was a kid. Do you know how much they cost back then? A nickel! Of course, that was back when people knew the value of a dollar. A hundred cents, that’s how much! Do you know how much a movie ticket costs at our local theater? Even with the senior discount! Anyhow, this movie stars Blythe Danner’s daughter. She’s so lovely and talented, and she has two beautiful children. Isn’t that wonderful? Blythe Danner must be so happy about her two beautiful grandchildren.

3. The Great Gatsby$425

Did you know that your great-great uncle Herman was a gin runner during Prohibition? It’s true! We don’t talk about it very much in our family. Actually, I wasn’t supposed to mention that. Don’t tell your grandmother I said anything. This movie is very bright-colored, although I couldn’t see much through my cataracts. That Carey Mulligan is quite the dish! And Leonard DiCaprio! Isn’t he the boy from the Titanic?

4. Frances Ha — $9

Do you remember Frances Jones? From down the street? She made the most lovely cupcakes for her grandson’s Boy Scout Medal of Honor ceremony? She died.

5. Peeples — 50¢

This is a movie about a family that gets together frequently in their vacation home. When was the last time you came to the Shore House? It’s so lovely this time of year. Your room is just like you left it. You never call!

Looking forward to hearing from you. Your grandfather has fallen asleep, but the nice Peterson boy from church is typing this for me. See you at the movies!


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Star Trek Into Darkness
  • Movie
  • 132 minutes