By Lanford Beard
April 30, 2013 at 12:00 PM EDT
Eddie Chen/Fox
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All right, Newbies, as I suspected many weeks back, tonight’s episode was a doozy. Without further delay, we’ll get into it a little bit early so we can enjoy all the regrettable decisions, overly liberal lubrication, and intentionally awful wigs (oh the wigs!). But first, SPOILER ALERT! For everyone who hasn’t seen “Virgins,” stop reading now. For those who have, let’s get it on — and be sure to check out my behind-the-scenes interview with Jake Johnson and Liz Meriwether later tonight after the west coast catches up. Onward!

Jess and Cece were in the bathroom doing things of a depilatory nature when Schmidt came in to ready his super-powered German personal massager, The Archduke, for his date with Elizabeth that night. Winston arrived and also had a date that night with Daisy. Jess’s phone dinged, an out-of-the-blue text from a guy named Teddy. At this, Nick popped out of the bathroom stall in a jealous desperation — or as close to such strong emotions as Nick gets. (As for the popping out of the bathroom stall, apparently sometimes he just sits there and waits around to hear what the other roommates will say, so… uh… yeah.) Jess hesitantly admitted Teddy was the one who “took [Jess’s] flower” from her “wonderful secret garden” (though those were Nick’s words). Cece mentioned how embarrassing Jess’s first time was, and since Nick was angling to find our more about Teddy, a contest began in which each roommate tried to top the others with their horrible stories about losing their virginity. And so we begin…

Flash back to Jess and Cece’s prom night, 2000. Jess had rented a hotel room hoping to swipe her V-card. She asked her date, “Would you like to freak?” Why yes, yes he would. She turned on her version of a boot-knockin’ anthem: Lisa Loeb’s “Stay.” Unfortunately, Jess quickly realized that she wanted to be the only feminist in between the sheets. Let’s just say there were no broken fish tanks at this party of two. Frustrated, she made the poor shlub feel “unsafe” when she sputtered out that he should “just be a man and rip” off her home-sewn dress. She headed down to the lobby for seam rippers (at which point, Schmidt said, “If this is another story about sewing, I swear to God…”) and came across a handsome guitar strummer (Dylan O’Brien). Just as they were about to kiss, her prom date grew a pair and charged out into the hall with a pair of steak knives he’d fashioned into dress-rippin’ scissors. Only, he was so worked up, he stabbed them into his hand, setting off a sort of bloodshed Jess had not intended or expected that particular night. As Jess provided medical attention, the other guy strummed and strolled off, officially becoming the one that got away.

As for Cece, she actually did lose her virginity that night — to Mick Jagger, who happened to be on tour in Portland. We didn’t see much of it, save for a plate of bacon and eggs that may have been used in a sexual capacity.

Flash forward four years: Jess was still in full possession of her flower when she joined Cece in L.A. They went to a bar — well, not just any bar — where Jess fretted about turning 25 in three years, sniffling, “I can’t rent my first car as a virgin — they’ll know!” Cece spotted a trio of obviously single guys across the room and suggested Jess approach them. At closer glance, it was a soul patch-rockin’ Nick, a cornrowed Winston, and a still-fat Schmidt! Before Jess was forced to seriously consider those options, she randomly saw the guitar strummer from prom across the room. While they got to talking, Schmidt timidly approached Cece and asked, “Do you like DVDs?” She smiled awkwardly, politely, and didn’t answer. He lost his courage and tried to order cookies before glumly mumbling, “Oh… not a cookie bar.”

By then, Jess and the strummer had left the bar. Alas, neither of them had their own apartments yet, so they found themselves at a local children’s playground where the only covered enclosure was  a tiny castle. Yet worse, the strummer’s antidepressants meant he couldn’t get excited for more than two hours. After all that, Jess’s frenzied undulations got them wedged in a tiny castle drawbridge, half-naked. They had to stay there until morning, when EMTs informed them the bum on a bench about five yards away had been stabbed and was lying there dead the whole night. Oh yeah, and the strummer had an epiphany that he might be gay.

Long story short, the strummer wasn’t Jess’s flower thief, a.k.a. Teddy. In fact, Teddy was a handsome, ginger first responder who’d rescued Jess from the kiddie castle. He took her home for some early morning delight, which she had to admit was nice because, after waiting so long, she “didn’t have to think about it.” (Schmidt: “Ugh! I’m sick of firemen always winning.”) Despite having unraveled that complex yarn — not to mention overselling by leading with the murder angle — Jess did not win the contest.

NEXT: Boyz II Men

So it was Schmidt’s turn to prove he had the most humiliating story. The set-up: Junior year of college, when Schmidt was much heavier after gaining “the freshman 50 and then the sophomore 50 and then of course the junior 100.” Still, he was in a relationship with Elizabeth, they had chosen that night to “merge,” and he had bought the world’s biggest jar of “lubricant — to use on a woman… to increase her pleasure.” Though Schmidt claimed his high school nickname was “The Sex-Haver,” he still had plenty of questions for Nick. And they would have been fairly well answered if Nick hadn’t taken shrooms in preparation for a Dave Matthews Band concert that night (Winston VO response: “White people…”).

A few hours later, Nick got to witness first-hand the consequences of his truly terrible advice (see: Dotables). You see, he couldn’t leave the room because the “troll” on his bed had gotten agitated, and his magnetic arm was stuck to the wall. (Yep, shrooms talkin’.) So, as the more-to-love lovers arrived, Nick had a front-row seat. Sometime between when Schmidt blinded Elizabeth and when he fell off the top bunk — he had used that much lube — Nick managed to extricate himself from the bed. He even kept miraculously silent. But it only served to get him into, basically, a petroleum jelly wrestling match with Schmidt, who was too slippery to climb the ladder back to the bed. All of this played out over Boyz II Men’s “I’ll Make Love to You,” natch. All that said, Schmidt did manage to have sex. Score one for the big boys and girls!

Some years before that, Nick had also been privy to Winston losin’ it, too. They had accompanied Nick’s dad Walt to New York for a “business trip.” Of course Walt had other plans than to let the boys watch Titanic all night, so he brought back a couple of prostitutes named Mysteria and Octopussy. Winston took the lead, telling the ladies he and Nick were powerful businessmen — made all the more convincing thanks to Winston’s unbroken voice and Nick’s stringy teenage-boy hair and mouth full of metal. For his part, Nick was incredibly nervous from the get-go; even the aphrodisiac rhymes of Sublime’s “Caress Me Down” couldn’t abate his anxiety. What could? Several slugs of the cheap liquor Walt had supplied for the party — now that was the beginning of a beautiful romance! After Nick’s first time (drinking), he cried and told Octopussy, “Please excuse me, but I had to lay off a lot of really good men today at work.” Needless to say, only Winston enjoyed “10 beautiful seconds” of lovemaking that night. In fact, he hadn’t realized until he was telling this story just now that his lady that night was, in fact, a lady of the night — and not just a “business [woman]… who could dance sexy.”

When Walt returned, Nick was soused on bottom-shelf booze and still a virgin. Walt proved surprisingly paternal, saying he wasn’t upset that his son hadn’t gone through with it. He did warn Nick, “You think too much, you think too much about everything. … I just want to make sure you that don’t miss out on the things in life that are happening while you’re not thinking. Because, believe me, those are the best things in life.”

NEXT: Nick stops thinking 

Back to the present, Winston had lost his virginity and his illusions about Mysteria — but he had won the Saddest First Time contest. As he and Schmidt left to meet their ladies, Jess mentioned that Nick hadn’t shared his story. His was very simple: “Allison Daniels, on a towel in the woods. I cried. She kept her bra on. It was nice.” Mundane, yet intimate, Nick’s story hung between them until Jess’s phone dinged. She started to leave for her meet-up with Teddy but looked back at Nick and asked, “What do you think?” He stood there silently, clearly thinking too much. She turned around and head toward the elevator. Just before it closed, Nick reached in, and Ellie Goulding’s “Anything Could Happen” began to play. Jess asked, “What are you doing?” Nick swept her up and said, “Let’s not think about it.”

Nick carried Jess into his room, and they began to kiss. Cut Daisy pressuring Winston to sex her up before her flight in three hours. She turned on the TV to alleviate his performance anxiety, and there it was: Titanic — Winston was getting his do-over. Meanwhile, Cece and Shivrang were sitting, far apart, on a bed. He noted it was two days before their wedding and suggested they take each other for a test drive. Thinking back to more special first times, she said they should wait. So they sat there, Shivrang looking more than a little disappointed. Elsewhere, Schmidt and Elizabeth put The Archduke (and, presumably, much less lube) to good use.

Back at the loft, Jess and Nick broke apart after what was apparently a very good first attempt. They smiled dumbly at each other, the way you do the first time you get anything romantic right with a new partner and are so exhilarated you’re speechless. Then they looked away, and the thinking-about-it took over. What had they done? But the exhilaration overtook the analyzing and within seconds they looked back at each other and laughed. Yes, their coupling would have consequences (or, as Jess put it, “Ruh roh!”), but they didn’t care about at right then. They were too happy and hopeful to consider the roommates’ reactions or the decisions to make come morning. For now, they were smiling and snuggling. For now, it was exactly right.

NEXT: Schmidt and Nick converse openly about the subject of intercourse

Notable Dotables…

Schmidt: I’m going on a date with Elizabeth tonight. I haven’t had sex with her since I was fat and accessing my penis was like getting a remote control out of the couch. Now I know things, and I own things. Like this [holds up a box that reads “THE ARCHDUKE”]

Jess: What is that?

Cece: Oh my god, that poor girl.

Schmidt: This is The Archduke, the crowning achievement of the German Institute of Female Pleasure.

Winston: Dude, this thing takes 16 single-A batteries?

Cece: I thought I threw that thing out the window.

Schmidt: That only made it stronger.

Jess [hands covered in shaving cream]: Schmidt, will you help me with my phone?

Schmidt: Oh, you need help? Where’s your Women’s Lib now?

Nick: Am I the only one dying to know who this Teddy character is? I think I speak for all of us–

Schmidt: Nick, you and Jess didn’t work out. W-W-W-dot-move-on-dot-org!

Cece: You guys do have hear this story, though, because it’s the worst.

Jess: Noooo…

Schmidt: I guarantee you it’s not any worse than the story of me losing my virginity.

Jess: I promise you, mine’s worse than all of  yours. [Begins] Prom night, 2000–

Schmidt: What was the theme?

Nick: Who cares about the theme? [To Jess] What were you wearing?

Schmidt: I want to know the theme.

Jess: My date and I were the founding members — and only members — of my high school’s Gender Equality Society. We both asked each other to prom in the spirit of equality, and we both said yes.

Nick: Okay, get to it.

Winston: Oregon sucks!

Jess: Man, he wore the hell out of those tuxedo pants!

Nick: People have told me I look really good in a tuxedo, so…

Schmidt: I don’t think I’ve ever seen you in a tuxedo.

Nick: I’ve worn a tuxedo. Everybody has a tuxedo.

Schmidt: A tuxedo is different than a suit.

Nick: It is?

Nick: Is this the first time you’ll be making full love?

Schmidt: No way, Jose! Nick, back in high school they used to call me… The Sex-Haver.

Nick: That’s a great nickname.

Schmidt: But, you know, now that we’re sitting here talking… would you mind having a discussion openly about the subject of intercourse?

Nick [mushroom-wasted]: Shoot.

Schmidt: Does it hurt for guys?

Nick: Not one bit.

Schmidt: If I pee while it’s happening, will she die? [Nick just nods.] How many minutes before sex is it okay to eat?

Nick: I don’t think it’s an exact science. I think it depends on your frame.

Schmidt: So I should eat right before? [Nick nods blankly some more.] In terms of lubricant, do I put a small everywhere, or do I put a large amount in a smaller area?

Nick [grimacing while making wacky hand gestures]: You’re harshin’ my vibe, Schmidt.

Schmidt: Look, when [Elizabeth and I] were dating, I was very limited as to what we could do sexually. It wasn’t until the Iraqi war that I realized a guy could even be on top. But that’s all different now. Now, I have The Archduke.

Jess: Schmidt, have you ever considered not using lube and some giant sex toy and just being with her?

Schmidt: Plain Jane-ing it? Yeah, okay!

Jess: Wait, you lost virginity to prostitutes?

Winston: No, they were business women… who could dance sexy.

Mysteria: What’s wrong with your friend?

Winston: He’s a virgin.

Mysteria: Aren’t you a virgin, too?

Winston [licking his lips]: Just my penis, baby. Just my penis.

Strummer: I’m kind of on a lot of antidepressants right now, so this might take a while.

Jess: The only antidepressants you need are in my pants!

Strummer: Actually, it’s really a medical issue.

Jess: I’m so sorry, that was really uncool, and take as much time as you need. [Flash to the present…] So two hours later, still nothing. It was like a windsock on a windless day. [Flash back to 2004…] So give me an update, brother. How’s your wang?

Elizabeth: What’s that?

Schmidt: It’s a super-intense German personal power massager. I don’t think we need it.

Elizabeth: Hey… you know, since you came all this way with that box…

Schmidt: We’ll have to take the batteries out of the smoke detector.

Read more:

‘New Girl’: Jess & Nick’s showmance gets Auto-Tuned — EXCLUSIVE VIDEO

‘New Girl’: Hannah Simone on ‘Bachelorette Party,’ Cece’s ‘wild and crazy’ season finale

‘New Girl’: Two Shivrangs Don’t Make a Right

10 TV Couples Built to Last? Ask the Doc!

Zooey Deschanel plays lovable Jess, who is plodding through life with a good group of friends.
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  • 09/20/11
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