Martha Stewart Match
Credit: Frederick M. Brown/Getty Images

Bad news for men aged 65-80 in the New York metropolitan area: Though 71-year-old domestic goddess Martha Stewart apparently considered joining recently, she never fully took the plunge.

"I had a longtime boyfriend. That ended a couple of years ago. I haven't found the next Mr. Right," Stewart told Matt Lauer during a Today show interview that will air next week. "I was even thinking of going on!" Even more surprisingly, Stewart said that she wasn't planning to use an alias or a misleading photo on the site — "I want to do my real thing," she explained. Anyone else think this sounds like the premise of an upcoming Nancy Meyers movie? (Naturally, Martha's played by Diane Keaton.)

Alas, we'll never know what delights Martha's online dating profile might have contained. "I tried filling out the application," she confessed to Lauer, "[but] I started to laugh halfway down the page. It was impossible!"

Martha, Martha, Martha! If you were having trouble, why didn't you simply crowdsource this task? Sure, you're into the whole "do it yourself" thing — but if there's one thing we youngsters have mastered (besides how not to get a job), it's crafting exquisite online dating personae. Our advice — fire up your old account, delete whatever's on there, and replace it with this:

Username: msstewartifyourenasty

Headline: Ready to stop focusing on my salad.

Relationships: One ex-husband; one relationship with Anthony Hopkins, ended swiftly after I saw The Silence of the Lambs (for real).

Have kids: Yes, one ungrateful daughter.

Ethnicity: Whitest woman alive.

Body type: Candice Bergen-esque.

Religion: Cleanliness is next to godliness.

Smoke: Do you mean trout? If so, yes.

Drink: As long as homemade rhubarb syrup is involved.

About me and who I'm looking for: I live for hot glue guns and cold sparkling wine cocktails. I love to laugh, though I don't much care for Jon Stewart (no relation). I need a man with a steady hand (to assist with gift-wrapping), a taste for adventure (in case of future flirtations with pole dancing class), and an open mind. Note: No stockbrokers need apply.

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