What Would Ryan Lochte Do?

"Seriously how are they gonna get enough material?" asked anchor Mike Jerrick after a ridiculous interview with Ryan Lochte. That right there, that is the question. About halfway through the show Ryan's mom asks him what he's been doing and we see a quick montage of what has happened in the episode up to that point. Ryan coyly tells his mom "Nothing," and nothing in the history of the world has been more true. There's even a part where he says his life is like Seinfeld so even he knows it's a show about nothing (minus the comedy—and genius).

"These are my shoes that I designed, from top to the very sole, to the very top to the bottom… laces." And so we begin. After what seem like infinite uses of Lochte's frindled #Jeah mantra (which doesn't actually mean anything), a lot of closet shots, and Lochte telling his trainer he's going to get a couple of beers, we get to a glorious flag football section.

First, we're bombarded with the word "Lochterage" as a group of people walk down the street alongside Lochte. The things I want to say about this terrible term are way way too explicit for this website. Then we're introduced to our characters! First up, assistant Gene whose every word screams "Please someone get me a better assistant job. Please somebody get me out of Gainesville." Then there's brother, and roommate, Devon, who is clearly the Rob Kardashian of this whole shindig. He's wearing… wait for it… a tuxedo shirt. Bro, you knew you were going to be on TV. My only thought is that he believes that the best way to introduce his "party all the time" "character" was to show that he could even be "classy" at a flag football game. The boys make a wager that if Devon's team makes a touchdown Ryan has to clean his car with a toothbrush. Devon wins. Wonder what hilarious twist they'll put on this in the end. Oh, I'll just say it, Ryan uses Devon's toothbrush.

After a shot of Lochte squeezing a towel over his head as it drips water on his abs — I'm assuming this was the 10-second pitch for the show — Lochte starts talking about everyone calling him a douchebag. Here I felt a little bad about how mean I'm going to be in the rest of this article, because, I mean, this is pretty low-hanging fruit. Then there's a shot of Ryan with a $200,000 watch, so never mind.

The Lochterage — it hurts so much to use that term — go back to the Lochte pad for so so many chicken wings, beers, and pizzas. There's a horse-sized dog walking around this party who really deserves to be introduced and never is. When a Lochte show was just being floated around there were rumors that he could be the Bachelor, which I think everyone would have preferred. Lochte's funniest, or at least goofiest, when he's trying to flirt. At his party, he talks to a pretty "ballet dancer" about how he deals with people wanting his autograph. I put dancer in quotes because when Ryan asks her to dance for him he is incredibly disappointed in her skills. Like, she is never mentioned again he's so upset. So now Ryan has to go to a bar to find love, but not before he makes everyone say #Jeah and they all debate if the pizza and wings are enough of a reason to stay friends with this guy.

Apparently in Gainesville you are just allowed to walk behind the bar and start bartending. In a talking head, the interviewer asks Ryan if he's a player. "Describe player."  Aziz Ansari's "Define teenage" R. Kelly bit anyone? In the same talking head, Ryan says he doesn't really have to try to get girls, which logic would dictate to be true. After all, Ryan is the guy at the bar who tells you terrible jokes and you think "I shouldn't laugh because this will only encourage him, but oh boy does he have pretty eyes." Given his looks, everyone should fully appreciate the girl who instantly turns him down.

Unfortunately, new character Megan has fallen prey to those pretty eyes. "Let me tell you something," Ryan says motioning outside. Literally, no effort is made here. None at all. In fact, that line would not work for 99.9% of people. But Megan gets a free sushi dinner out of it and he'll pick her up — which in Gainesville is a huge deal — so she's in. Ryan is presumably drinking blue Gatorade in this scene.

It's hard not to be impressed with the shots of Ryan training, mainly because everything he's doing seems so impossible after a night of drinking. At this point, instead of watching the rest of the episode, everyone should just go read "How Tracy Austin Broke My Heart" by David Foster Wallace and contemplate what it means to be an athlete.

Family bowling night means more character introductions! First, there's older sister Kristin, who seems fine but unfortunately is only given the character trait of "really judgmental about who Ryan dates." Then we meet middle sister Megan, who's a "self-described quirky oddball." Never forget this interview when it comes to deciding if she's charming or not (hint: not). Then there's his mom, who says Jeah a lot in the promo for next week, so clearly she's supportive (enabling?). In a talking head, Ryan cries when discussing how proud he was sharing his first gold medal moment with his family. It's the one genuine moment of the entire episode. Then we're back to giving each member of his family one character trait.

Kristin asks why she hasn't met any of the girls he's been on dates with. The protective older sister thing is sweet, but also it kind of seems like Ryan only goes on one date with most of these girls. So if she met all of them, she'd probably get pretty bored pretty fast.  We also learn in this scene about a mystery girl named "Jaimee" who is perfect for Ryan, but lives in London. There's a montage of them together, but you never really see her face.

Now we get to Ryan's date. Again, nothing really happens. Megan, not his sister, seems nice, doesn't know what sushi is, and is moving to LA. Oh no, guess they aren't going to get married. Ryan ends the date saying that although things didn't work out with Megan, "I won't give up on love." No. Duh. Apparently Ryan wants to settle down, though. Again, why couldn't he have been the Bachelor?

At family movie night, Ryan admits that What Women Want is one of his favorite films. This may be the only time I genuinely laughed. After the movie is picked, his sisters scold him for taking all the girls he dates to the same restaurant. "It might be the same place, it might be the same table, but it's a different girl." Well said.

Well, with that, we reach the end of the last episode of this show that I will watch. The gem that was Mrs. Eastwood and Company it is not. However, Ryan will always hold a special place in my heart as Pizzarina Sbarro's <a href="

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What Would Ryan Lochte Do?
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