By Lanford Beard
Updated April 10, 2013 at 04:31 AM EDT
Credit: Jennifer Clasen/Fox

With the exception of Schmidt’s ex-girlfriend, almost nobody got what they wanted tonight, Newbies. I personally could have done with a little bit more Alfredo, but we can’t have it all, can we? That seems to be the overarching message as the season winds down. That and the fact that what we want is not always right for us. This notion came starkly into play as Cece continued to force a marriage to Shivrang — a man whose name she doesn’t even know how to pronounce. Indeed, Cece’s butchering of her fiancé’s name was just one of the things that went wrong during a surprise bachelorette party thrown by Jess. Others included the dissemination of a picture of Nick’s penis, Winston’s overzealous attitude toward a kidnapping scheme, and Schmidt’s spitefully foolhardy attempt to make Cece jealous by lining up a date to Cece’s wedding. So let’s begin, shall we?

Before news of the nuptials had reached the loft, Nick was lording his “dead dad card” over the roommates by wearing one of Walt’s tracksuits (this one in a particularly horrific shade of marigold), washing his feet in the kitchen sink, and tap dancing — or at least that’s what he was calling his ungainly flailing. Schmidt, dressed in his own workout gear for a booty burn boot camp class, took issue with Nick’s duds, and the guys started to squabble.

Winston broke up the fracas by arriving in with a fancy invitation. He hoped he’d be able to check “gala event” off his bucket list, but it was only Cece’s wedding — set for three weeks later. Jess was startled by the haste, but Schmidt focused his complex feelings on anger that Cece hadn’t allowed for him to bring a date. “You can’t invite an ex to a wedding and not give him the dignity of consolation sex. Girl better recognize: Schmidt-y gonna go get his plus-one!”

And that would happen as Cece planned seating arrangements under the silent, judgmental watch of Shivrang’s female family members. Shiv took his bride-to-be aside for talk of their impending marital consummation, but Schmidt interrupted by banging on the door. Shivrang’s relatives spoke for their steamrolled boy, asking, “Who’s this?” Schmidt spat back, “I’m Gerard Depardieu. Who do you think I am, lady? I’m Schmidt!” Cece pulled Schmidt out of the room and quietly read him the riot act about everything from her budget to his not-a-relationship-guy ways. He shot back, “I can do anything I set my mind to. I once figured out Alyssa Milano’s phone number just by choosing random numbers.” And so the gauntlet was thrown: Schmidt would procure a serious girlfriend in three weeks’ time. He walked out, declaring, “Time to make some dreams come true.”

Back at the loft, Jess assumed Maid of Honor duties, even though Cece hadn’t technically asked her yet. The first duty was to planning Cece’s bachelorette party. Jess believed she knew exactly what Cece wanted because tween Cece had once told her she wanted “the dirtiest bachelorette party of all time… strippers and a mechanical bull and balloons in the shape of ding-dongs. And I want to wear the kind of underwear that goes between your cheeks!” Cut back to the present, when Jess told Nick and Winston, “The only males invited are strippers, so oil up or get out, guys!” They barely had a chance to stir, though, before she enlisted them to help her by kidnapping Shivrang. Winston was a little too excited, wondering if Jess’s plan allowed them room to “roughhouse him a little bit — drop him in the desert ’til he don’t breathe no more.” (Looks like someone spent a little too much time in the clubs with Latvian gangsters.)

NEXT: Ding dongs

That night, Jess welcomed a ragtag bunch of revelers into the loft, among them several models including penis-breaker Nadia(!), one random lawyer, and a teetotaling, massively horny Sadie (whom Jess nearly kicked out when she started offering the ladies pro bono gynecological exams). Men’s genitals — specifically Shivrang’s — took center stage when Cece arrived. Jess carted out a cutout of a hardbodied man with an oversized Shivrang head and a bullseye on his genitals. Close behind Cece, Shivrang’s aunt entered; suffice it to say, her grim expression did not improve. She excused herself to wash her hands as Jess warned, “There’s a very sexually aggressive message on the [bathroom] mirror, and I apologize for that.”

The game of “Pin the Dong on Shivrang” only served to exacerbate Cece’s insecurity that she’d never seen Little Shiv and, by extension, she was marrying a man she knew almost nothing about (biblically or otherwise). Jess tried to console her with such statements as “Isn’t it all about the gonads?” (cue the female chorus of “No!”) and “If he’s using it right, no one’s seeing his penis!” For every step she took forward, Sadie took at least two back, suggesting nightmare scenarios like “What if it looks like an old carrot? What if it’s curly?”

As luck would have it, we were about to find out! Operation: Abduct Shivrang was success, and Shivrang was actually pretty amped about his “surprise bachelor party” — though Winston’s threat “You shut that pretty mouth of yours, Romeo, before I fill it with fire!” gave him pause. Nick received a call from Jess, who in her attempt to save Cece’s night/marriage/life had decided the only solution would be for Nick to text over a pic of Shivrang’s junk. She added, “And I need it to scale, so please put, like, a nickel or a big toe or a golf pencil in there for reference.” Nick hoped the dead dad card would get him out of this unpleasant (maybe illegal?) task, but Jess told him “One picture, and you can come home.” (And, despite her semi-sultry timbre, I don’t think she meant it as an enticement.) Nick: “Give me 20 minutes.” That‘s how bad this night was turning out.

So Nick switched tacks and played along with Shivrang’s bachelor party idea. Just as with the kidnapping scheme, Winston took it too far and began to give Shiv a strawberry on his belly. Once Nick pried Winston off, he tried to convince Shiv that taking phallic pics was a classic American bachelor party rite of passage, but all he managed to do was capture a shot of his own twig and berries before Shivrang escaped by hyper-Britishly offering the guys a round of shandies. After Shiv made for the loo, Nick took it up a notch and ran in yelling, “Fire!” while Winston threw matches into the trash can. Even the accidental mini-blaze didn’t faze the groom-to-be’s ability to cover up his bits. When Shiv asked what was going on, Nick tried one last-ditch tactic and turned on the waterworks, claiming the only way to cure his recent depression over being “half-orphaned” was for Shivrang to take a d— pic. Clearly that approach would fail, so Nick spilled the (franks and) beans about Cece’s anxiety. Shiv abruptly departed to talk to her. Winston took matters into his own hands and sent the shot of Li’l Nick to Jess. Enjoy your preview of coming attractions, Ms. Day! *wolf whistle*

NEXT: “What happens in Orlando stays in Orlando…”

Of course, the acquisition of penis pics wasn’t the night’s only issue. Shivrang’s aunt’s presence at the festivities freaked Cece out. She made the ladies swear to keep things G-rated, which rubbed Jess the wrong way since she thought Cece wasn’t being true to herself. No matter, she’d pre-arranged for a racy slideshow of drunk and slutty pics that partygoers insisted on watching. Seeing Cece’s humiliation, Jess tried to downplay the photos to Shiv’s aunt by laughing, “What happens in Orlando stays in Orlando.” At this point, auntie had had enough. She stood up to ask Cece, “Is this how you like to spend time with your friends? Is this the kind of wife you want to be?” Cece tried to save face by lying this was never what she’d wanted. Jess was hurt.

When Jess pulled Cece away to talk, the conversation quickly turned into a confrontation as Jess admitted she didn’t support Cece marrying Shivrang. Cece retorted acidly, “I don’t need to take relationship advice from the girl who’s in the middle of a seventh-grade debacle with the boy across the hall.” Her stream-of-consciousness indictment of Jess ended with “I WEAR PAJAMA SETS!” Jess shouted, “YOU QUESTION MY PAJAMAS, YOU MAKE ME QUESTION OUR ENTIRE FRIENDSHIP!” Though the others could obviously hear the shouting, it wasn’t the girls who broke up the fight. Instead, it was a guy named Alfredo in an ice cream parlor stripper suit (the stripper part being that it was sleeveless to show off his guns). Undulations to 50 Cent’s “Candy Shop” couldn’t overcome his bad timing, and he was harshly dismissed.

At this point, Nick’s text came through. With all the girls buzzily peeking over Jess’s shoulder (Nadia’s response: “What is? Three more weeks of winter?”), Shiv’s aunt demanded to see the phone. She immediately recognized what was going on, acknowledging it as a common problem in her culture: “Where I come from, women cry for days over this very thing.” With that, the ice was broken. Even more so when auntie regaled the ladies with her own wedding-night story — hint: it ended with the words “and then I realized, Uh oh! That is not his leg!

With the women’s laughter still hanging in the air, Shivrang barreled in with Nick and Winston. Jess complimented Shiv’s “prize hog,” but he admitted the privates on parade weren’t his. Upon finding out they were Nick’s, Jess looked pretty pleased and couldn’t resist grabbing her phone for another gander. Nick grabbed it away, and they adorably wrestled around the room for it — alas, not into Nick’s room for a little real-time photo shoot. The party officially started — or ended, depending on how you look at it — when Schmidt arrived, asking, “What is going on here, and why is Alfredo crying in the elevator?” (Nadia’s greeting to him? “Hello, Jew.”)

Hearing Cece’s concerns that they hadn’t gotten to know each other, Shivrang began to pull out his “software” (Nick suggested he refer to it as “hardware”). Nadia offered, “If it run, I catch it!” But there was neither running nor catching Cece stopped him to explain that she sometimes felt they were moving too fast. She tried to spin it so that it was a good thing, like they were taking a leap of faith together, only she finished by pronouncing his name Shiv-RANG. He came clean that his name is pronounced Shiv-WRONG — as in “He’s Shiv-WRONG for you, Cece! This freaked her out even more, but he eased her stress by promising to do everything he could to make her happy for the rest of their lives. A line like that is hard to resist, so she didn’t resist when he pulled her in for a kiss — which Schmidt had to watch. Affirmed in her leap of faith, Cece closed out the night by asking Jess to be her Maid of Honor. I think we can safely assume there will be no further party planning responsibilities.

NEXT: Schmidt searches for a date

Amidst all this, Schmidt was on the hunt for his plus-one. After scaring a number of girls in various locales around town (see Dotables), he found the guys at the bar to seek their advice. He worried Cece was right that he wasn’t the relationship type. Winston reminded him about Elizabeth, the girl he dated during his “Big Guy phase.” Schmidt said she didn’t count, but flashbacks of Nick watching Schmidt give Elizabeth sexy foot massages begged to differ.

So Schmidt headed to Elizabeth’s house. Just in case he didn’t remember her from their four-year relationship, he reminded her, “You knew when action sandals were my necessary footwear.” He asked her to the wedding, but she demurred, “No, I can’t take you seriously when you’re wearing such tight pants.” He told her the stakes (“My model ex-girlfriend is getting married to a little Indian man who I just don’t understand”) and admitted he only wanted her to pretend to be his girlfriend, but it didn’t change her mind. Elizabeth still had hard feelings about how Schmidt’s personality changed once he lost weight. He’d gone from a sweet, big-boned and big-hearted guy to one who was “sitting there, eating one basil leaf, looking like an idiot panda bear.” He treated her cruelly and refused to pay for meals. She loved “Big Guy,” but she refused to help Slim Schmidt. As she closed the door on him, she added, “I hate your hair.”

Hours later, after seeing the sacrifices Shiv and Cece were willing to make for one another, Schmidt apologized for his past behavior and told Cece he no longer needed a plus-one for the wedding. He returned to Elizabeth’s house with three pizzas (“all yours, no judgments”). To fully prove that Big Guy was still in his heart (and underneath his rippling body), he promised to do anything she wanted. Her one wish? For Schmidt to eat all the pizzas while she watched. Schmidt may be at booty burn boot camp for weeks, but he was doing his Fat Schmidt happy dance as he gleefully nibbled and giggled, “So greasy! So many carbs! Welcome home, melted cheese! I don’t even know what pepperoni’s made of, it’s so good. It’s like waking up from a bad salad dream. Big Guy in the house!”

NEXT: “A homeless pencil”

Notable Dotables…

Jess: Oh my God, what is that [bright yellow tracksuit]?

Nick: I don’t want to hear it, okay?My mother sent it to me. It belonged to my father. We have the same exact butt.

Schmidt [walking in, to Nick]: What are you wearing?

Nick: What are you wearing?

Schmidt: I’m dressed for my booty burn boot camp class. And I know what you’re thinking — it’s not because I need it. I go to inspire the others. [To Nick] Please take that thing off. You look like a homeless pencil.

Cece: I haven’t seen Shivrang’s penis.

Model #2: Is it that small?

Sadie: But you still know where to put it?

Schmidt: Well, spoiler alert! Women are liars. They’re supposed to want commitment, right? But then I offer it to them on a silver platter, and they throw it back in my face like a comedy pie.

Flash back to that afternoon, Schmidt has met a woman in the park…

Schmidt: I know this is awkward because we slept together and I never returned any of your phone calls. So this might come as a shock to you, but… will you be my girlfriend?

Girl #1 [relieved laughter]: Oh God. I thought you had herpes! But no to the girlfriend, you d—.

Later, at Schmidt’s office…

Schmidt: Do you remember two years ago when we were watching coverage of the BP oil spill and doin’ it during the commercials? And then you asked me if I wanted a serious relationship, and I laughed in your face? [Grows serious.] Well my new answer is yes.

Girl #2: [Glares silently]

Even later, Schmidt jumps out at a woman in a grocery store parking lot…

Schmidt [thrusting a single red rose at her]: Be my girlfriend!

Girl #3: [Screams, drops groceries, flees]

Schmidt: What’s that all about? [Looks down at her groceries, a disgusted look crosses his face.] Cream cheese in bulk?!

Schmidt: Look, Cece, if I was ever selfish in our relationship–

Cece: What do you mean “if”? And what do you mean “relationship”?

Schmidt: That’s fair.

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Zooey Deschanel plays lovable Jess, who is plodding through life with a good group of friends.

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