A rousing musical number called “We Saw Your Boobs.” William Shatner, as Star Trek’s Capt. James T. Kirk, beaming back from the future to declare the show a total disaster. A reenactment of the movie Flight done entirely with sock puppets. And a whole lot of jokes that skirted along—and sometimes right over—the edge of bad taste. Love it or hate it, Seth MacFarlane’s turn as Oscar host will definitely be talked about—which is almost certainly what the Academy was banking on when they hired the man behind Family Guy for the job. Here are some of the highlights and low blows. Check back for updates throughout the show.

“Welcome to the Oscars. And the quest to make Tommy Lee Jones laugh begins now.”

“I honestly can’t believe I’m here… It’s an honor that everyone else said no. From Whoopi all the way down to Ron Jeremy—it eventually found its way to me.”

Argo tells the previously classified story about an American hostage rescue in post-revolutionary Iran. The story was so top secret that the film’s director is unknown to the Academy.”

“2012 was a great year for movies. Hollywood shattered box office records with $10.8 billion in domestic sales. In fact, studio accountants have never had to work harder to prove nothing made a profit.”

“This is going to be a big night for some of you people, because, as we all know, winning an Oscar guarantees a long, successful career in the industry. Look at last year: Jean Dujardin won best actor for The Artist and now he’s everywhere! I’m kidding, of course. His is actually a tragic, age-old Hollywood story: he couldn’t make it in the talkies.”

“It’s a big night for foreign films. Amour is nominated–or as I call it, This is 90.”

Daniel Day-Lewis, your process fascinates me. You were totally 100% in character as Lincoln during the making of the movie… So when you saw a cell phone, would you have to go,’Oh my God, what’s that?!’ If you bumped into Don Cheadle on the studio lot, did you try to free him? How deep did your method go?”

Django Unchained. This is the story of a man fighting to get back his woman, who’s been subjected to unthinkable violence–or as Chris Brown and Rihanna call it, ‘a date movie.’ … A lot of controversies over the use of the n-word in the film. I’m told apparently the screenplay is loosely based on Mel Gibson‘s voicemails.”

Jennifer Lawrence has a great attitude about this whole thing. I was talking to her backstage and she told me that whether she wins or loses, it’s just an honor that Meryl Streep wasn’t nominated.”

“Tonight’s ceremony is being watched by close to a billion people worldwide–which is why Jodie Foster will be up here in a bit to ask for her privacy.”

[singing] “Hilary Swank in Boys Don’t Cry. Penelope Cruz in Vanilla Sky. And Kate Winslet in Heavenly Creatures and Jude. And Hamlet. And Titanic. And Iris. And Little Children. And The Reader. And whatever you’re shooting right now. We saw your boobs.”

Quvenzhané Wallis is the youngest Best Actress nominee ever. Let me just address those of you up for an award: so you got nominated for an Oscar—something a 9-year-old could do. She’s adorable. She said to me backstage, ‘I really hope I don’t lose to that old lady, Jennifer Lawrence.’ To give you an idea of just how young [Wallis] is, it will be 16 years before she’s too old for [George] Clooney.”

Daniel Day-Lewis is not the first actor to be nominated for playing Lincoln. Raymond Massey portrayed him in 1940’s Abe Lincoln in Illinois. I would argue, though, the actor who really got inside Lincoln’s head was John Wilkes Booth.” [the audience groans] “Really, 150 years and it’s still too soon? I’ve got some Napoleon jokes coming up–you guys are going to be so mad.”

Ben Affleck–this man has gone from starring in Gigli to becoming one of the most respected filmmakers of this generation. I feel like we’re six months away from having to call him Benjamin Affleck. The first time I saw him with all that dark facial hair, I thought, My God, the Kardashians have finally made the jump to film.”

[introducing Meryl Streep] “Our next presenter needs no introduction.” [walks off the stage]