December 21, 2012 at 05:00 AM EST

Hi there, Entertainment Weekly! Thanks for taking a break from your coverage of 2 Broke Girls to allow me the opportunity to write about my crazy year. By the way, I love the one broke girl who stands in front in all the promos. She has a body that won’t quit. Or at least has not yet quit, and would probably be considerate and give a couple weeks’ notice when it did.

What a year in entertainment! The Avengers broke box office records, Ben Affleck directed and starred in a movie about the only guy in the ’70s who washed his hair every day, and no one could understand what Bane was saying. He may have been in the right for all I know.

And what a year for me personally! My movie, Ted, made over $500 million worldwide. Of course, I took 12 grand up front because my agent is a garbage-bad agent idiot-man. Now everyone’s really excited about making a slightly less satisfying sequel that makes even more money. Like The Hangover Part II.

It was an absolute pleasure working with Mark Wahlberg. He’s a class act. He and marijuana will make that next Transformers movie borderline watchable.

Mila Kunis never let me touch it. I begged, but no dice.

As for the future, I hope to work on a project with Marty (Martin Scorsese). I don’t know him personally, but we once rode an elevator together, and we’re roughly the same height, so I figure that’s a good start. That way, I won’t have to bend over when he gives me notes like ”Act harder” or ”Do more acting.”

Pretty fired up that Seth MacFarlane is hosting the Oscars. Trying to get him to announce my name for Best Supporting Actor, like when Jack Palance messed up and gave it to Marisa Tomei and now she’s, like, all respected and stuff. He has yet to return my texts.

Well, that’s about it. Thanks again for the opportunity. —Ted (as told to Seth MacFarlane)

P.S. Have you guys heard of this actress Tina Fey? She’s awesome! You should totally write a story about her 26 times a year.

Breakout in a pageboy cap: Jeremy Jordan of the hit Broadway musical Newsies

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