By Josh Stillman
Updated December 07, 2012 at 04:52 PM EST
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  • NBC

Last night’s episode of Parks & Recreation took us deeper into Chris’ ongoing psychological collapse and introduced us to Gayle Gergich (Christie Brinkley), Jerry’s incomprehensibly beautiful but slightly robotic wife. It also brought back Tammy II, Ron’s deranged, nymphomaniac ex-wife (or “sex-wife,” as she calls it) and pitted her against Leslie in what is probably the greatest dumpster fight ever depicted on screen.

But the heart of the episode took place at the Indiana Fine Woodworking Association Woodworking Awards, a surly event that Ron referred to as “heaven.” Given that he was surrounded not only by hand-made wood crafts but also by three of the most important women in his life — Leslie, Tammy, and new flame Diane — Ron had ample opportunity to dish out his singular wisdom. So grab your belt sanders and strap on your safety goggles folks, because it’s time for the eight best Ron Swanson-isms from “Ron & Diane.”

8. “If you ladies will excuse me, there is a jack plane that needs my attention.”

7. “Mary mother of God [giggles excitedly]. That’s Christian Becksvoort! He’s the modern master of the shaker style. I never dreamed that I would see him in the flesh.”

6. “Tammy, this is Diane. Diane, this is a piece of human garbage named Tammy, who is also my ex-wife.”

5. “[To Leslie] That’s ridiculous. I don’t think of you romantically. You’re pro-government, you never stop talking, and you have blonde hair — you’re my worst nightmare.”

4. “Recently I made a chair. When I was finished, I thought it was a good chair. I submitted it to the Indiana Fine Woodworking Association who felt it merited consideration for an award. It’s been a real whirlwind.”

3. “Leslie is a wonderful, loyal friend, who is very important in my life. But I would sooner visit Europe than have something romantic happen between us. Although, if you’d like to visit Europe, I like you so much I’d be willing to risk it.”

2. “[Trying to deliver his acceptance speech while Tammy flashes her, um, lady parts] I made my first chair when I was 5, but the quality of the wood was wanting, so when I turned 9 I used my factory wages to purchase some beautiful local walnut… uh, thank you for this. This all good… night good. Uh… there it is.”

1. [As his saxophone lothario alter ego, Duke Silver] “A mighty fine holiday evening to you all. It might be cold outside, but it’s about to get warm all up in my jazz.”

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