Liz Lemon tied the knot last week proving there’s hope for everyone in this strange world. So will she get pregnant with little Rufus T. Barleysheath before the series finale? Only time will tell. Until then, Lemon can bask in the glory of her 80 Under 80 award. While riding her marriage high, Ms. Elizabeth Lemon — she’s keeping her name — found out she’d been named one of the women in entertainment who aren’t Betty White. She was thrilled with the honor, particularly when she learned the ceremony would be broadcast on Lifetime.com/garbagefile.
But Jenna, who was notably absent from Liz’s wedding, was none too pleased with Liz’s recent nuptials and general success. Jenna was furious that Liz had stolen her thunder. The biggest offense was getting married the day before Jenna’s own surprise wedding to Paul. As you know, Jenna’s been planning a secret wedding to keep up with all the A-listers. (See: Timberbiel, Beyon-Z, and Anne Hathanobody.) But honestly, it’s hard to not steal Jenna’s thunder when, as she puts it, her whole life is thunder. Jenna pretended to make up with Liz and agreed to go to the award luncheon with her. But naturally, Jenna had a secret plan — which she sang about prior to the first commercial break.
At the award ceremony, we were treated to a slew of guest stars (Pat Battle, Gayle King, Judy Gold, Sue Simmons, and Wendy Williams!) and stereotypes about women (bathroom breaks and bad directions). Bonnie Badamath, played by Andrea Martin, hosted the event that served as the backdrop for Jenna’s revenge. She planned to upstage Liz with a second attempt at her secret wedding. But Liz got wise to her scheme and used her technical lighting skills to literally put Jenna in a bad light. (Sidenote: Jenna as an old lady was almost as entertaining as Lemon on a HD screen.) But in the end, these BFFs made amends and Jenna got her surprise wedding — weird vows and all. Congratulations are in order for Mrs. and Mr. Jenna Maroney!
Meanwhile, Kenneth was upset because Lemon had fired Hazel, and Hazel had subsequently broken up with him. Tracy tried to cheer him up with a visit from Mrs. Brady herself, Florence Henderson. It was all a part of Tracy’s plan to make Kenneth’s life more like a TV show. This culminated with Tracy “recasting” Hazel with a young Asian woman. She only had one line, and I’m already liking the new Hazel exponentially more than the old. Let’s hope that recasting sticks.
NEXT: Elaine Stritch returns, and the night’s best lines!
In my favorite storyline of the night, Elaine Stritch returned as Jack’s overly critical mother, Colleen Donaghy. Jack decided the only way he could avoid her criticisms was to do absolutely nothing. Unfortunately, that plan was cut short when he had to attend to her ailing health. And this time, it wasn’t just an attempt to make Jack feel bad. I’m sad to report Colleen died in the carriage ride on her way to the hospital. Just like that, she was gone. But Jack realized that Colleen’s constant crushing disapproval gave him the greatest gift of all: She made him the tuxedo-wearing man his is today. Jack honored his mother by giving the best eulogy ever, which featured Jack speaking Gaelic and playing the flute, and an appearance by Kermit the Frog.
The top 10 lines and moments from “My Whole Life Is Thunder”:
++ Liz singing “Married/Liz Lemon got married/And made up this song” to the tune of the 30 Rock theme
++ “She insists on traveling on Pearl Harbor Day to, and I quote, ‘Show the emperor we’re not afraid.'” —Jack explaining his mother’s early arrival for Christmas
++ Lemon: “Look, I know she gets under your skin, but you should appreciate this time with her. She’s 87.”
Jack: “That’s only 14 in demon years, Lemon.”
++ Kenneth: “Mr. Jordan, do you know you why I love television so much?”
Tracy: “Because despite cell phones, iPads, and computers, it’s still the most effective portal for poltergeists?”
++ “Oh Liz, you had me at Hayden Panettiere is dead.” —Jenna
++ The ad for Bitch Hunter popping up as Kenneth complained about pop-up ads on TV
++ Jack: “Mother, call an ambulance.”
Colleen: “My father did not kill dozens of Germans so that his daughter could die in a van.”
Jack: “But he wasn’t even in the war!”
Colleen: “Go about your day, Jack. Just leave the door open and let the elements take me.”
++ “The horse is one of only three appropriate subjects for a painting, along with ships with sails, and men holding up swords while staring off into the distance.” —Jack
++” I guess people do say strange things at the end. My grandmother said, ‘Liz, stop playing with the flesh around my elbow.’” —Lemon
++ “I don’t want my life to be like TV because my life is way better. Where else but real life would a millionaire movie star care so much about a hillbilly janitor that he would spend two days trying to cheer him up? You can’t do that on television, because if you did, no one would watch.” —Kenneth (gotta love the show’s self-deprecating lines)
++ Bonus: “You know what my best friend did for my 50th birthday? She gives everybody a car, and then she’s all, ‘Thank you for coming to Gayle’s birthday!'” —Gayle, talking about her BFF, Oprah
What did you think of “My Whole Life Is Thunder?” Are you as upset as I am about Colleen’s death? What was your favorite line? Sound off in the comments below, or you know Colleen will disapprove from her throne in hell.