By Annie Barrett
Updated December 03, 2012 at 02:00 PM EST

With a slew of extra-cheesy/gross jewelry commercials surely right around the corner, I thought it important to determine which have been 2012’s absolute worst — rough diamonds, if you will — so far. I’m ready to propose some. Are you ready to propose? WHY NOT? WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR, IT’S DECEMBER. Seriously what is wrong with you?

Kay Jewelers — Open Hearts (Icky Stepdad)

This one’s been around a few months and it’ll still get under your skin like a handsy unwelcome house guest. FYI — every sex act begins with Kay, too — as an even more recent 15-second spot reminds us.

“Behind every heart is a story…” so…uh, what’s this guy’s deal? It’s bad enough that he’s bribing the little girl with jewelry (the grown-up version of candy) in order to gain her affection before he marries her mom, but does he have to say “I’m really happy that you’re in my life, too” to a child, and does the whole thing have to take place on a swing set? And why wasn’t there time to show Creepy Stepdad and Gullible Daughter driving away in his ice cream truck?

As reader Mindi says, “Every time the little girl says ‘It’s just like yours, Mom,’ the unease begins anew.” Let’s try to move on.

Zales — The Celebration Diamond Collection ft. Frozen Zombies

“They’re dying in the Arctic, but it’s okay because he got her a ring,” says reader Kelly.

Do I hear wolves howling in the distance? I get that they’re riffing on the “Honeymoon on Ice” scene from Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, but they’re doing it so poorly and so listlessly — and the woman’s hair is such a disappointingly mainstream hue — that it barely registers. Will the bauble formerly nestled snug in his pouch revive her from an icy doom? Maybe not, with those twee little elf legs! (It does not help that the boy is 17.)

Jared the Galleria of Jewels — Car Kidnaps Dave

This one first assaulted us in late 2011, but I received confirmation that it’s still playing incessantly and in fact aired during football yesterday. The basic takeaways are that 1) 2001: A Space Odyssey spoofs do not work in diamond commercials, 2) Bitches be crazy, and 3) That GPS lady is trying to get with Dave’s wife. Who knows her better than Dave does? THE CAR. I’m reminded of the final moments of The Twilight Zone‘s “A Thing About Machines,” when the evil car pushes Richard Haydn into the water until he drowns. Spoiler alert. Could this be an eventual outcome/opportunity for Dave? He might be better off.

I can tell this isn’t a fair fight. But I’m really happy that polling capabilities are in my life, too.

Which holiday ads are annoying you already? The place to whine about them is HERE!

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