There’s hope for us all! Elizabeth Lemon and Criss Chros finally tied the knot. If you didn’t even know they were engaged, don’t worry. The whole thing—engagement to “I Do’s”—happened in the course of “Mazel Tov, Dummies!” Here’s how it all went down: Liz and Criss ran into
mayhem Dennis Duffy and discovered that he was married. (Who would marry Dennis? Megan, maiden name Duffy—hopefully no relation. That’s who.) Dennis also happened to have an adopted son named Black Dennis. And that was just too much for Liz to take.
Liz has been on the adoption lists for years, and apparently the only thing holding her back was her singleness. She and Criss briefly discussed the fact that marriage is only a piece of paper. And they totally love each other, so blamo! Engaged! But leave it to Lemon to not want to make a big deal about her impending nuptials, a thought-process not at all surprising coming from the woman who once dreamt of marrying Saul Rosenbear on the Love Boat. Anyway, Lemon didn’t want a special day, nor did she want to be a princess. So she decided to marry Criss at City Hall while wearing a sweatshirt and no bra. Romance at its finest. Eventually, the stress of a last-minute marriage got to Lemon. Criss added to that by inviting Dennis and forgetting his birth certificate. But it was all a ruse to help show Lemon that she really did want a special day. The couple quickly changed their plans to make it the a day they’d always remember.
Lemon wore the only white dress she owns, her Princess Leia costume. She even kept the infamous Leia hairstyle so she’d feel like a true princess. Jack did a reading from Ayn Rand’s The Fountainhead. And Liz and Criss exchanged bling they purchased at a police auction. Nothing says true love like a multi-finger “Tito” ring and a gold grill. Tony Bennett, who owed Jack a favor, even sang. It was pretty perfect. (If you’re Liz Lemon. No other bride in history would covet that mess, save for the Tony Bennett part.)
In non-nuptial news, Tracy was struggling with the fact that he had no major health issues. He’d always assumed he’d die young because he, you know, looks so much like James Dean. But his physical with Dr. Spaceman proved that assumption wrong. Saddened by the fact that he’d no longer to be able to live without any consequences, he traded in his chainsaw hat fund for a kids’ college fund, and started to make responsible decisions. This culminated with Tracy being hit by a cab, not once, but twice. After getting hit, Tracy had a heart-to-heart with
Harry Truman Harriet Tubman in his mind. Harriet (a.k.a. Jack) taught him that a number of things could still kill him at a young age. And that was just the pep talk he needed to hear to return to his reckless ways.
NEXT PAGE: Jenna realizes she’s past her prime, and the episodes top 10 lines
In the throwaway story line of the night, Jenna was dealing with the repercussions of a Surge commercial she made in 1994. The commercial promised prizes in exchange for Surge points. An Arizona man named Terry had acquired the 1 million points needed to own Jenna. Jack used his negotiating skills to save Jenna from living with a slave master by promising Terry Jenna’s cash value equivalent. Unfortunately, Jenna’s value had significantly depreciated from $800,000 to only $2,000. Terry took the money anyway, saying that two grand would get him a castle and pillowcase full of meth in Arizona. While Jenna should have been happy that she didn’t have to be a slave, she had an actress breakdown because she felt worthless. This struck a chord with Jack, who’s also past his prime. But we’re going to come full circle here and say there’s hope for us all! If Liz Lemon can get married then Jack and Jenna really have nothing to worry about.
The top 10 lines from “Mazel Tov, Dummies!”:
++ “This is a win-win. If it’s positive, awesome! We’re having a baby. I want to name it Frisbee. If it’s negative, awesome. We’re not going to fight about the name Frisbee, and we get disco fries for breakfast because we’re sad.” —Criss Chros, about the results of Liz’s pregnancy test
++ “You’ve got to choose the next project for your company, Dammit I’ll Pick A Name Later Dot Com, Productions.” —Dot Com, talking about Tracy’s movie studio
++ “We live together. We love each other. I ignore it when you eat popsicles by biting them with your teeth, which is insane.” —Lemon to Criss
++ Jack: “And you can wear that wedding dress that you bought.”
Lemon: “No. I can’t. I got rid of that after hurricane Irene. I had forgotten to stock up on toilet paper, but I had remembered to stock up on seven-layer dip…”
++ Lemon: “I mean, have you seen Wedding Bitches on Bravo?”
Jack: “I remember when Bravo used to air operas.”
++ “I’m going to have to start living like there’s a tomorrow. Open an IRA. Brush my teeth. Drink eight glasses a day of that stuff, you know, clear bathtub juice.” —Tracy
++ Criss: “Jeez, I feel like we’re at a deli.”
Lemon: “Deli? Save it for the honeymoon.”
++ “It’s not the most important day of my life. Getting my show picked up, or meeting you, or the time I got a sleeve of Starbursts with all pink—those were all more important days.” —Liz, on days more important than her wedding
++ Liz: “Ergo, it couldn’t matter.”
Dennis: “Ergo. Affleck’s finnaly going to get that Oscar.”
++ “You wish, pal!” —a phrase coined by Jack in 1985
++ Bonus moment: Liz’s epic slow motion eye roll
Was Lemon’s wedding everything you’d hoped it would be? Are you glad she married Criss? What was your favorite line from the episode? Sound off in the comments. Meanwhile, I’ll be wishing that I have a special day that includes an entire sleeve of pink Starbursts.