By Hillary Busis
Updated November 28, 2012 at 04:27 PM EST
Jason Merritt/Getty Images

Jack Black is the new Betty White.

New York City’s Friars Club announced today that newly-minted Independent Spirit Award nominee Jack Black will be 2013’s official roastee. The event will take place April 5. “We only roast the ones we love,” explained Friars Club Abbot Jerry Lewis in a statement, “and with Jack, we love his comedy, we love his music, and we love his enormous talent.”

Black, meanwhile, is a little worried about what’s in store: “What did I get myself into this time? I’m searching for a loophole in my contract, maybe there’s a way I can weasel myself out of this thing. Those bastards are going to brutalize me, but Jerry Lewis assured me it’s going to be the highlight of my career, so I guess I got to go through with it,” he said.

It’s easy to understand why Black is nervous — voluntarily agreeing to be ripped apart by your friends and professional insult comics doesn’t seem like the best way to keep your self-esteem high. And after Gulliver’s Travels, Black needs all the self-esteem he can get. Zing! So let’s ease the actor into the roast mentality by lobbing a few gentle barbs his way. Here, I’ll start:

— Hey, remember Year One? Yeah, neither does anybody else.

— My only issue with The Holiday: Was Kate Winslet’s character supposed to be suffering from Shallow Hal-style hypnosis?

The Muppets stars a talking frog who’s in love with a bitchy pig, but the movie only stretched credulity when the gang tapped you to be their show’s celebrity guest.

Your turn!

Read more: