By Tara Fowler
November 21, 2012 at 06:12 PM EST
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Teri Hatcher’s never been this desperate. With Black Friday less than 48 hours away, the former Desperate Housewives star teamed up with Funny or Die to deliver us this inspiring or downright insane — depending on your personal views towards the so-called “holiday” — video of an overzealous housewife prepping her family for the sales madness.

Clad in camo and armed with a machine gun, Hatcher kicks off her rousing speech the way any good speechmaker should — by quoting from Independence Day. “Good evening,” she intones as she places a golden-crusted turkey before her family. “In less than an hour, I will be joining other women from around town and we will be participating in the earliest Black Friday ever in the history of mankind.” When her son tries to insist he doesn’t need a Wii, Hatcher gently informs him, “You say that now, but on Christmas Day if you don’t have a Wii, you’ll unleash a tornado of anger on all of us.” “You’re right,” he chirps. And years from now, when her grandchild asks her about the earliest Black Friday ever? Well, she won’t have to say she had a happy Thanksgiving with her family, including Tom Arnold as Hatcher’s cowed husband. Check it out below:

I think if there’s one thing to take away from this, it’s that no one makes a teardrop necklace like Jaclyn Smith. Forget Thanksgiving, happy shopping everyone!

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