November 16, 2012 at 05:15 PM EST

When I volunteered to watch a five-movie Twilight Saga marathon, I’ll admit I didn’t fully anticipate the challenges and doubts I’d encounter along the way. As the weeks, then days, then hours ticked down, I realized I’d need to get my head in the game. I trained like any marathoner would, honing skills appropriate to the course — subsisting on a diet of carbohydrates, carbonated drinks, and stale air; sitting on my rear for long periods of time, and abandoning all thoughts of age-appropriate content or cinematic quality. Also like any marathoner, I blacked out for long periods of time between the start and finish lines. But! Here’s what I do remember…

10:01 a.m.: Wake up. Clear eyes, full heart, can’t lose. Twilight day!

10:07 a.m.: WWACD (What Would Alice Cullen Do)? Use way more sparkly highlighter on my face than usual.

10:11 a.m.: Packing my provisions for the day, largely cribbed from my Hurricane Sandy war chest, I face a dilemma. Do I bring everything I think I’ll need and risk confiscation? Or do I err on the side of caution and pack only as much as I’m willing to lose? Into my bag go two granola bars, a container of mandarin oranges, and a liter of water.

10:17 a.m.: Begin the two-mile walk to the theater — stretching is essential so my legs so don’t cramp in the clutch.

10:49 a.m.: Five blocks away from the theater, as if by providence, Edward and Bella’s de facto love theme (Iron & Wine’s “Flightless Bird, American Mouth”) begins to play on my iPod. The stars have aligned! I cruise into the theater with a tranquil only marimba-tinged emo can offer.

10:53 a.m.: Theater employees didn’t even bother checking for contraband snacks. I wonder if I’ll regret not packing the admittedly disappointing leftover mac ‘n’ cheese from Guy’s American Kitchen and Bar. (Yes, I’m the girl who took home leftovers from the culinary equivalent of Spider-Man: Turn off the Dark.)

11:15 a.m.: Alyssa Feliciano, a 20-year-old in the next seat (Team Jacob!), tells me she arrived at 8:30 a.m. “The theater was closed!”

11:22 a.m.: Behind me, 22-year-old Laura Cruz (Team Jacob!) and 25-year-old Yokasta Veloz (Team Edward!) embark upon the last of many Twilight premieres together despite being in opposing camps. Veloz plans to address the dearth of Edward in New Moon (Cruz’s favorite so far in the pentalogy) by taking a nap. Pacifist conflict resolution and relationships that cross party lines? The Beltway could learn a thing from these two.

11:30 a.m.: It’s starting…

11:32 a.m.: Before each film, Nikki Reed, Jackson Rathbone, and Elizabeth Reaser will reminisce on their experiences filming the Saga. As we know, the first movie was super-janky, so there isn’t much to report. Moving on!

11:35 a.m.: Twilight is here!!! Everybody claps as I tuck into the water and the first granola bar. Gotta keep my energy up!

11:31 a.m.: Overheard — “I’m gonna cry!” All good(?) things must come to an end.

11:51 a.m.: I look back fondly at the time when Robert Pattinson’s hair was truly magical.

12:22 p.m.: Bella is encircled by a pack of thugs in Port Angeles. Wow, I had forgotten how objectifying and rape-y this movie is. It’s the central problem of The Twilight Saga — why are people so fascinated with Bella? It’s certainly not her elegant eye makeup. It’s like Catherine Hardwicke was her yokel stage mother who thought the only way to make eyes pop! is with poorly smudged blue liner.

1:05 p.m.: If this theater is any colder, will be the temperature of a Cullen.

1:15 p.m.: All due respect to Cam Gigandet, a.k.a. that guy from Burlesque, but his supposed arch-villain James makes me seriously question my commitment to Sparkle Motion this marathon.

1:35 p.m.: Movie 1 wraps up. Fact: The number of kisses in Twilight (2) is directly proportionate equal to the number of evil vamp Victoria’s shawls that look like they were made of murdered Muppets.

NEXT: Rollin’ deep…

( 1 of 3 )

You May Like