November 16, 2012 at 05:00 AM EST

Don’t drink from hotel-room glasses.
”To be absolutely sure they won’t be singled out for spotty glasses, [housekeepers] might spray furniture polish all over them,” Tomsky writes. ”So the next time you put a little tap water into the minibar glass and wonder to yourself why it has a pleasant lemon aftertaste, that’s because you just took a shot of Pledge.”

Think twice about valet parking.
”We burned the life out of a guest’s clutch teaching Eddie to drive,” he writes of a new valet. ”It smelled like a metal-and-oil barbecue up there.”

Dispute your minibar bill.
”Housemen steal from the minibar. Even minibar attendants might steal from your minibar, for Christ’s sake. We aren’t going to accuse you of anything, because we all have access to your snacks. We all have master keys. Any room, anywhere, anytime.”

Tip the right people.
”Most guests put money in the wrong hands. If you really want your stay to improve, whom do you think you should tip? The bellman? The doorman?… Me. Your cute little hero, the front desk agent. We can improve your life with a keystroke. We can keep your secrets and flood your room with wine.”

And tip everyone else just in case.
Tomsky recalls a bellman who’d been stiffed after carrying 14 suitcases telling him: ”I strolled back up to his room, unlocked the door, and went into his bathroom…. The man has his own cologne, and he actually wears it. So I unscrew the top, pour out a bit of the bottle into the sink, and fill it back up. With my own piss.”

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