November 16, 2012 at 04:20 PM EST

We all like Google Maps, right? And we all like iPhones, right? Well, cousin, I’ve got a big idea for you. And not just any big idea. I’m talking a daring, unlikely, transgressive, high-concept, four-quadrant, gamechanging, universe-denting Big Idea: What if someone put Google Maps… on the iPhone? Stop! Don’t run away! I know it sounds crazy. I know we all love the Apple Maps application, or “Mapple” as it’s called by no one. I know we all love how Apple Maps plots a route from our house to the local movie theater that takes us on a 20-mile detour through a shadowy one-lane mountain road located on the precipice of an active volcano that doesn’t exist. I know that the whole idea of using Google Maps on our iPhone seems like a beautiful fantasy from a better world — a world called Early September 2012.

But some beautiful fantasies do come true. Look to The Wall Street Journal, which reports that utopian megacorporation Google is preparing a new mobile maps application for dystopian megacorporation Apple’s iPhone. Google is apparently distributing the nearly-completed application to people outside of the company — people who, in context, should be considered the modern incarnation of the Twelve Apostles, for they have seen a beautiful new world where things make geographic sense and your favorite restaurant isn’t located in the center of a nature preserve. No word on when this application will ever see the light of day — or what this means for the ongoing battle for global supremacy between Google and Apple, which isn’t so much Alliance vs. Empire as it is Alliance vs. Horde, and if you understand that reference you’re a big dumb nerd. Still, if Google Maps does come to the iPhone — really, what an idea! — analysts are cautiously predicting that absolutely no one on the face of the planet will ever use Apple Maps ever again.

Follow Darren on Twitter: @DarrenFranich


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