By Breia Brissey
Updated November 15, 2012 at 12:00 PM EST
Credit: Ali Goldstein/NBC

Woah! Before we get into tonight’s episode, let’s talk about that invitation to Liz Lemon’s wedding in two weeks! Yup, it looks like Elizabeth Miervaldis Lemon will wed Criss later this month. Discuss! But Lemon had more important things to worry about in “Aunt Phatso vs. Jack Donaghy.” See: her aching bunions. (Actually, don’t see it. It’s probably gross.) Her podiatrist said the only possibly explanation was that one of her ancestors mated with a dinosaur. Naturally. Anyway, Lemon needed quadruple bunion surgery, a procedure that would require her to stay off her feet for three weeks. Liz knew she couldn’t accomplish that working with the less-than-helpful TGS staffers.

Jack suggested she get an assistant, and by default the task fell to Hazel. Blerg! Hazel temporarily took care of Lemon only because she wanted to be on the show. And with Lemon off her feet and out of the way, Hazel finally thought she found an in. But not even foot babies could keep Lemon away from her work. Liz swooped in to save the show from a Hazel disaster, but it didn’t really matter. The show was a disaster anyway because nobody wrote anything. Ooops. When it was all said and done, Lemon fired Hazel. I’ll be pretty thrilled if her firing means that’s the last we’ll ever see of Hazel Wassername. But just like Liz Lemon, I can’t have it all.

Meanwhile, Jack was unpleasantly surprised when he learned he was the laughing-stock of the black community thanks to one of Tracy Jordan’s successful side projects. Tracy had been using Jack’s likeness as the villain in his Tyler Perry-esque Aunt Phatso movies. Jack demanded that every DVD of the movie be removed from stores, burned, and melted into a statue of Tracy apologizing to him. And when Tracy refused, a battle of wits ensued. Jack tried to sue Tracy for libel, but Tracy got off on a few technicalities. What’s that now? Aunt Phatso Tracy Jordan bested Jack Donaghy. Didn’t see that one coming! In the end, Jack found a mutual respect for Tracy and we all learned an important lesson: Respect these boobies!

The top 10 lines/exchanges from “Aunt Phatso vs. Jack Donaghy”

++ “Why am I suddenly an object of derision in your community? I’ve championed diversity on NBC. I mean we’ve got football. That’s pretty black, right?” —Jack

++ Hazel: “Why don’t you make like a woman driver and get lost?”

Jenna: “‘Cause I’d rather make the like father I never had and stay.”

++ Jack: “Lemon, do you think I’m a villain?”

Lemon: “Well, I have heard you say, ‘Guard, seize him!'”

Jack: “That was at a Knicks game. They needed to stop the clock.”

++ “Why are you limping? Foot illness or your fell running for food?” —Jack to Liz

++ Tracy: “I’m just like you.”

Jack: “Just like me? I went to Princeton.”

Tracy: “I neglected a Tiger.”

Jack: “I’m on the board of the New York Philharmonic.”

Tracy: “I’m friends with Phil Harmonic, the worst rapper of all time.”

++ “Well this morning Ms. Lemon had one of her meltdowns…because she can’t balance work and personal life. But I mean, after seven years and hundreds of these episodes it’s like, let’s move on.” —Kenneth

++ Jack: “I’m going to take every penny you have.”

Tracy: “Not the ones I’ve swallowed!”

++ “I’m Willow Smith-ing my daughter. Her album drops next week.” —Tracy

++ “Why are my arms so weak? It’s like I did that push up last year for nothing!” —Lemon

++ “You people killed my foot babies. My foot babies died because of this show!” —Lemon

Now it’s your turn: Are you excited about Liz’s upcoming wedding? Did you enjoy the cameo by Alan Gilbert, the conductor of the New York Philharmonic? Were you as excited as I was to see Hazel get fired? (Sorry, Kenneth. I don’t care about your feelings.) And what was your favorite line/moment from the show? Sound off in the comments, and then listen to this on repeat for four hours straight. It will be just like visiting the Philharmonic, only cheaper!

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