Credit: Etsy

Most children don’t start actively hating their parents until they hit middle school. But if you want to give your kid a jump-start on a lifetime of resentment, Etsy has just the thing: a series of onesies, bibs, and teeny tiny ties themed around the erotic blockbuster Fifty Shades of Grey.

A Buzzfeed roundup shows that these products share a few common threads. Many thank Fifty Shades for facilitating the hypothetical wearer’s birth, which will lead to some uncomfortable questions once that baby learns how to read. Others actually sexualize any babies unfortunate enough to be garbed in them, like the shirt that proclaims “I pretend Christian Grey is my daddy” — a message accented by the image of handcuffs. Perfectly appropriate for daycare!

Please, Greyniacs (or whatever Fifty Shades fans call themselves) — if you want to show off your fandom, don’t do it by telling the world that the Red Room of Pain helped you conceive your kid. Instead, try broadcasting your E L James love by buying any number of products designed for adults, like this charming handcuff bracelet or these glass Christmas tree ornaments. The baby will thank you — at least, until she turns 12 and starts moaning “You’re ruining my LIFE!” no matter what you do.

Read more:

Fifty Shades of Grey (Book)
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