Gossip Girl
Credit: Pat Harbron/The CW

It appears something got into the champagne on the Upper East Side because everybody was getting a little action at the beginning of this week’s episode of Gossip Girl.

Nate was sleeping with a girl I’m convinced is the younger sister of Shannyn Sossamon. Serena had traded train crack for the time in the sack. And Georgina was getting a little sexual satisfaction by watching Dan sleep. Creepy. And sad.

Also sad: Serena salivating over the idea of an “adult Manhattan.” First off, S, the city has the word “man” in it; there’s never going to be anything adult about it. (I’mnotbitter!) Also, the words “adult” and “Manhattan” next to each other sound boring. Almost as boring as Central Park Conservancy Gala.

Meanwhile, Blair was worried about WWD Day.And no, she wasn’t going to storm the beach of Normandy in Dolce. In fact, she was the one being attacked — by Nelly Yuki, who had apparently scored a position as a writer at WWD and was going to write an article about Blair’s new collection. Blair was understandably terrified by what she was going to say.

But here’s one thing Blair should have told bitter Nelly — all the torture she put the little Yuki through during high school sort of made her the successful woman she came to be. Grown up Nelly obviously has a sense of style, learned once and for all that tights are not pants, and, oh, look, she has a spine. She can blame Blair all she wants for the night terrors, but there’s no denying her years as a minion helped make her into a fashion maven.

Of course, Nelly didn’t see it this way and the only thing that brought her pleasure was telling Blair that the story was a profile of two designers — Blair and Poppy Lifton. Yes, Poppy. Angered, Blair ordered her two remaining minions to get intel, but the info wasn’t exactly what she’d hoped for.

Personally, I didn’t get the scramble to begin with. Why would Blair ever worry about being out-styled by Poppy Lifton? Poppy is a bagel, not a threat. But alas, Blair soon learned her collection and Poppy’s had terrifying — and possibly career-ending — similarities. They used the same fabric! Horror!

So Blair had to intercept the clothes from Poppy’s collection before they were photographed at the gala and seen by every rich woman with too much money and too much time on her hands. It didn’t work out. She was found out, embarrassed, thrown out of the party, and lost her chance to be featured in the article. So it’s back to square one for Blair in the fashion world, and she’s going to try to conquer the world using labor from the garment district and Project Runway rejects.

Speaking of being cut from the same cloth, the episode also revealed a nifty connection between Nate’s new girlfriend and Serena’s new mister. Oh, did I say nifty? I meant completely disgusting. It turns out that Steven is Nate’s 17-year-old fetus’s girlfriend‘s father. And in case you’re wondering, it’s not illegal for her to be sleeping with Nate, the SHE-tus told him. She checked.

In the end, Steven continued to allow his daughter to date Nate because Serena put in a good word for him. You’d think that’d earn her points with Sage, but it didn’t. In fact, Sage vowed to break them up.

Burning questions before we hit quoteables: Do we really believe Serena was waking up at 7 a.m.? The last time she probably saw the number seven was on her report card at Constance. Do you love the not-so-subtle set up for Dorota’s new career in design? Do I even care what’s going on with Chuck’s dad’s company at this point? (No.) Are you glad we didn’t have to see more Rufus and Ivy sex? (I’M SORRY FOR REMINDING YOU!) What the hell do you think is in Dan’s new book that makes it so scandalous? And if you had to guess the title of this book, what would it be? Inside 2: Electrolysis Boogaloo? Inside 2: To Hell’s Kitchen and Back? Make more guesses in comments.


“You know I was a very punctual person before I met you.” —Steven to Serena. (“Not to mention I didn’t have this rash.”)

“Your loss of faith in humanity turns me on.” —Georgina to Dan

“Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night yelling ‘Tights are not pants.'” —Nelly

“Poppy? That Ponzi scheming faux-cialite.” —Blair

“I told you, he’s the second coming — and third and fourth if he lets you stay the night.” —Georgina re: Dan

“Why is the handsome vacant one calling me?” —Georgina re: Nate (Also, Dan: “If you’re referring to Nate he has a surprisingly high IQ.” The bro-mance lives!)

“Even Shakespeare said, ‘What’s in a name?'” —Serena, who probably read if off of a Dove chocolate wrapper

“No one in high school reads Gossip Girl anymore. It’s for old people.” —Sage (I’ll admit, that burned a little.)

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Gossip Girl

Spotted: Serena, Dan, Blair, Chuck, Vanessa, and Nate — hooking up, breaking up, and freaking out. You know you love it! XOXO!

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