By Darren Franich
Updated September 11, 2012 at 10:22 PM EDT
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Watching Last Resort is like jumping into an ocean of pure testosterone and getting into an underwater kung fu fight with a Great White Shark that has three cyborg arms, and one arm is holding a flamethrower. Why does the shark have a flamethrower underwater, you ask? Shut up, that’s why! And I mean this all as a compliment. ABC’s ambitious new submarine drama is currently streaming its series premiere on Yahoo!, and the sheer amount of dropkick plot twists thrown into the first episode — heck, into the first ten minutes — make this, if nothing else, one of the most eccentric pilots of the fall TV season. By my count, Last Resort has roughly 50 main characters, each of them with two or three internal conflicts, which will hopefully play out over the next few seasons, assuming that America is ready to have its collective brain blown out of its skull.

We want to guide you through the first episode, and help your mind recover a little bit. So here is EW.com’s answer to Cliffs Notes: The 16 most badass things that people said on the series premiere of Last Resort, with remarks. You will notice the the lines are chronological, with the most badass lines occurring at the end of the episode. This is not because we are lazy. This is because the premiere steadily accrued in badassery, starting from a relatively straightforward Tom-Cruise-in-Top-Gun swagger and climaxing with a blitzkrieg of sequences that recalled War Games, Apocalypse Now, and the destruction of Alderaan in Star Wars.

20. “Relax, Lieutenant. We aren’t actually at war. Just make ’em realize how incredibly dead he’d be if we were.” — Captain Marcus Chaplin, a.k.a. The Essential Andre Braugher

This is just a tossed-off comment by Andre Braugher’s Captain Chaplin at the start of the episode, when the U.S.S. Colorado ruffles some feathers during a fairly typical operation. Another day, another dollar, another emergency S.E.A.L. pick-up in the middle of the sea, another Pakistani frigate that’s fronting like it’s a big-boy frigate. Haha, life on a nuclear submarine sure is fun!

19. “No one has offended, bothered, copped a feel, or otherwise molested any member of my rack. Love these weekly chats, though!” — Cortez, a.k.a. Single Female Badass

It was only a couple years ago that the U.S. Navy started to allow women to serve on submarines. But the Colorado is already filled with attractive, sassy warrior women whose presence ensures the long-term possibility of intra-crew romantic subplots, which will in turn lead to someone saying “But this is against regulations!” thereby setting up someone else to say, “This whole world is against regulations!”

18. “They’re busting Grace’s balls.” — XO Kendal, a.k.a. First Officer Speedman

“Wasn’t aware of the presence of those, sir.” — Robert Patrick, a.k.a. Robert Patrick

Last Resort co-creator Shawn Ryan is best-known for crafting the FX masterpiece The Shield and the shortlived FX mini-masterpiece Terriers, but Ryan also made the minor CBS hit The Unit back in the mid-00s. Ryan has wisely imported Robert “T-1000” Patrick from The Unit into his new project, thereby assuring that every scene will have 50% more tension and 30% more gravel.

17. “I just haven’t earned their respect. Two weeks latrine duty for both of them. And Cobb, you address me by my rank or Ma’am. Not my first name.” –Lieutenant Grace Shepard, a.ka. The Straight-Arrow Officer With Daddy Issues

Lieutenant Grace Shepard needs to prove that she’s even more badass than the badass grunts who work for her. She also needs to prove that she didn’t just earn this job because her dad is an Admiral. Additionally, she fulfills the necessary requirement of having someone named “Shepard” on every serialized TV show.

16. “I’m sittin’ here watching Hannah Montana, so I’m not going to annihilate 4.3 million Pakistanis without hearing directly from someone whose authority I recognize.” –Andre Braugher

The key detail here is that he’s watching Hannah Montana. That’s because Andre Braugher is a man, and men watch Hannah Montana, whereas boys watch iCarly.

15. “The U.S.S. Colarado Ohio-Class Nucelar submarine. 150 men onboard. Actually, since last year, nine enlisted women and two female officers, as well. It makes it’s own air, power. It’s got four Mark 48 torpedo tubes, 28 tomahawks, eighteen trident nuclear missiles, which can basically wipe out anything, anywhere, anytime.” –Autumn Reeser, ak.a. Single Female Weapons Lobbyist

This is actually just pure exposition, but Autumn Reeser says it all seductively. In the America of Last Resort, this is pillow talk. Immediately after this, she is in her underwear.

14. “You son of a bitch. You sank your own daughter’s boat.” — Single Female Weapons Lobbyist, said to Admiral Shephard, ak.a. the dude who played Senator Kelly in X-Men.

At Television University, this is called “raising the emotional stakes.”

13. “I thought you S.E.A.L. boys were supposed to be smart. Bullets and submarines don’t get along so well.” — Andre Braugher

“That’s okay, Captain. We don’t miss.” — Bald Navy S.E.A.L.

Pause to imagine a group of bullets and a group of submarines getting into a fight on the playground at Inanimate Object Elementary School.

12. “It’s a gift, Sofie. Someday you’ll give me a gift.” — Julian the Island King

Just another day on Serenity Island, where the local kingpin is flirting shamelessly with the local French NATO scientist. Nothing can possibly go wrong, here on Serenity Island, where we sip our margaritas and play with the sea turtles andOHMYGOD THAT’S A SUBMARINE.

11. “This station belongs to NATO!” — NATO French scientist

“No. This station, and that sub outside: They all belong to me now.” — Andre Braugher

Oh, NATO. If international military alliances were Disney movies, you would definitely be The Emperor’s New Groove.

10. “I understand there might be some cultural differences here, so I’ll translate. When someone where I’m from calls you friend, they don’t consider you one.” –Badass Navy Dude With a Heart of Gold

I know that the Badass S.E.A.L. Dude has a name, but nobody said it in the first episode. But it’s clear that he has a heart of gold, because his eyes are as blue as the Indian ocean and his accent still bears softening traces of actor Daniel Lessing’s native Australian.

9. “He’s first. He’s the only real shooter in your bunch, so the first bullet’s his. Big fella’s probably gonna need two in the chest to make sure his fat ass goes down, so two he gets. And while Dopey over there fumbles for his gun in his back waistband, Grumpy gets one between the eyes and so does he. You, though—Snow White. You I’m gonna shoot clean through the neck. And that way, as the blood is gushing out your choking throat and you desperately beg me for your life, you won’t be able to make a sound. Or you could leave me in peace to enjoy my drink.”–Badass Navy Dude With a Heart of Gold

If this show takes off Lost-style, prepare yourself for extended Disney movie metaphors in our TV recaps.

8. “Americans. Such confidence.” –Julian the Island King

In Television University, this is called “sarcasm.”

7. “We’re all dead. You just don’t know it yet.” –Private Karofsky

In a neat bit of stunt casting, the traitorous Private is played by the same actor who played the bully Karofsky on Glee. Oh, Karofsky. Doomed to be a douche rocket.

6. “Guess that desk job will have to wait.” — Andre Braugher, awaiting the missile that will kill him.

“I wasn’t built for desks anyways.” —First Officer Speedman

If Last Resort were just a little bit crazier, this is the moment when Scott Speedman and Andre Braugher would have laughed at each other, and then they both would have gotten their own freeze frame, just like Chow Yun-Fat and Danny Lee in The Killer.

5. Not actually a spoken line of dialogue, but this is how Andre Braugher hangs up on the government:

4. “You little bitch, Grace.” — Robert Patrick

“It’s you little bitch, Lieutenant.” — The Straight-Arrow Officer With Daddy Issues

Callback! Also, how did they get away with naming a character “Grace Shephard”? Catholically speaking, that’s like naming a character “Divine Jesus.” Which, coincidentally, would make a great name for a fifth child.

3. “Did you see that? That was my fault. I made that happen. It was me. It was meeeeeeeeeeeee!” –Badass Navy Dude With a Heart of Gold“…” — Dichen Lachman

Perhaps realizing that they didn’t fit enough plot into the preceding hour, the creators of Last Resort end the first episode with a montage showing Julian capturing some Navy personnel while Admiral Shepard and Single Female Weapons Lobbyist join forces back in D.C. But the most interesting bit of business comes at the bar run by Dollhouse‘s Dichen Lachman, where the Badass Navy Dude takes off his hard candy shell and reveals the crybaby chocolate underneath. Apparently, they did something in Pakistan that caused all of Last Resort to happen. (Lachman, as far as I can tell, didn’t actually have a line of dialogue in the premiere. I’m guessing it was cut because Last Resort has a million cast members, but maybe she’s actually a deaf-mute whose father is the King of Bhutan. Anything is possible.)

2. “We have 17 more nuclear missiles aboard, and we will not hesitate to unleash fiery hell down upon you. Test us, and we will all burn together.” –Andre Braugher

I think it’s important to stress that this man is the hero of a show on network television. God bless you, Shawn Ryan. Or Satan bless you. Something to think on — compare the mission statement of Lost (“Live together, die alone”) to the mission statement of Last Resort (“We will all burn together.”) Which is more pessimistic?

1. “Everything we did was to stay alive long enough to get our names cleared and to get home.” — First Officer Speedman

“Maybe this is home now.” –Andre Braugher

The precise moment when Andre Braugher goes Full Kurtz.

Fellow viewers, what did you think of the premiere?

Follow Darren on Twitter: @DarrenFranich

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