Hit List: Sept. 14/21, 2012

1. Forbes names Oprah Winfrey highest-paid celebrity with $165 million in earnings; Michael Bay ranks second with $160 million

When informed that he’d missed the No. 1 spot by only $5 million, Bay said, ”No problem. We’ll just add a few more explosions in post, and no one’ll be able to tell the difference.”

2. Leonardo DiCaprio, Tobey Maguire, and Tom Hardy to produce big-screen drama for Warner Bros. about animal trafficking

Looks like Warner Bros. just landed three foxes, if you know what I’m saying. (What the hell am I saying? I’m supposed to be straight.)

3. Modern Family co-creator invites Modern Family fan Ann Romney to officiate at the wedding of Mitch and Cam ”as soon as it’s legal”

”If you were ever going to flip-flop on an issue, honey, now’s the time,” Ann told Mitt. ”We could lock this thing down by sweeps!”

4. Ryan Gosling to make directorial debut with indie drama he wrote

Good to see that he’s developing some skill sets to fall back on when those looks start to fade in 2045. (Still straight.)

5. Stage production of Scooby-Doo Live! Musical Mysteries to tour North America

The producers initially were going to try to launch it on Broadway, and they would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it weren’t such a bad idea.

6. Lindsay Lohan will not face prosecution for alleged burglary case

”Shhh! It’s fine,” whispered the DA. ”We let her win one every once in a while, just so she stays in the game.”

7. J.K. Rowling building pair of 40-foot-high Hogwarts-themed tree houses featuring rope bridge, turrets, and secret tunnels for her children

Parents around the globe threw up their hands in defeat and said, ”Okay, now you’re just being a d—.”

8. The Price Is Right celebrates 40th anniversary

The tally so far: more than $250 million in cash and prizes won, 250 million animal testicles lost.