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August 31, 2012 at 04:00 AM EDT

1. LL Cool J breaks nose, jaw, ribs of ex-con who allegedly tried to rob his house
Just out of curiosity, LL, what else did Mama say?

2. U.S. Postal Service loses $1.2 million by selling only 318 million of the 1 billion Simpsons stamps it printed
You don’t want to know how much they lost on the Allen Gregory Priority Mail envelopes.

3. Amanda Bynes reportedly gets into another car accident
How is she still on the road at this point? Did she promise the Progressive Girl a job on her next project?

4. Issue of Justice League with Superman beginning romance with Wonder Woman hits stores
In related news, 200,000 fanboys just canceled their about-to-ship Amazon order of How to Do Sex.

5. Twisted Sister frontman Dee Snider ”emphatically” denounces Paul Ryan’s use of ”We’re Not Gonna Take It” on campaign trail
I’m guessing he’s also not going to like Ryan’s remix ”I Wanna Block (Funding for Medicaid and Pell Grants).”

6. Apple wins $1 billion judgment against Samsung for patent infringement
Do you know how many Simpsons stamps you could buy with that kind of cash?

7. Vivid Entertainment offers Prince Harry $10 million to star in porn film
Well, what does Big Willy think? No, no — that’s what he calls his older brother! Come on now.

8. Snooki gives birth to son named Lorenzo
Just go easy on the Red Bull & Pedialyte and Thomas the Tank Engine tanning bed, okay, kid?

9. VH1 Storytellers to return on Nov. 11 with Taylor Swift special
John Mayer, Jake Gyllenhaal, Taylor Lautner, and Joe Jonas will be seen on Spike TV that same night in I Can Explain: An Evening With the Swift Men.

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