Lauren Conrad killed literature
Former Hills star and current hair role model Lauren Conrad posted a video tutorial showing viewers how to cut the spines off of books, glue them to a box, and then store non-book items in that box. She used seemingly brand new copies of Lemony Snicket’s A Series of Unfortunate Events. (Ooh, foreshadowing!) This turned out to be a FATAL ERROR — a bunch of book purists freaked out, the clip went viral, and LC removed the video all within a few hours Wednesday night. I know I’ll remember where I was when it happened for the rest of my life. Ha, no.
Lemony Snicket himself commented on Lauren’s peculiar failure to Slate: “It has always been my belief that people who spend too much time with my work end up as lost souls, drained of reason, who lead lives of raving emptiness and occasional lunatic violence. What a relief it is to see this documented.”
Exactly. So why’d she have to take it down?
You can see the original book-destroying video over at Buzzfeed — truly the Operation buzzer of the internet these days. It’s pretty horrifying if you’re a) a book snob, or b) a person who already dislikes Lauren Conrad.
Eh, I happen to be neither. Books are just things; they get shredded every day. This isn’t life! It’s just stuff. Our glassy-eyed American beauty Lauren is as harmless as ever. Still, some grievances:
1. How is this a “craft”? Just buy a box if you need a box. You could even stack books in front of the box so no one can tell there’s a box there. OMG, I’m crafty.
2. There is no way Lauren Conrad has “taped a bunch of [gutted] book pages onto a wall” in her office. What a weird lie! [I stand corrected: Lauren Conrad did “tape a bunch of gutted book pages onto a wall” in her office.]
3. Why not use the six books she’s “written herself” for this project? She’s gotta have hundreds lying around. It could have been a fun little jab at her own celebrity. What lies beyond that colorful presentation of bones, anyway? Nothing! It’s just an empty space. It’s not literature at all. Fooled ya.
4. The video Lauren’s handlers swapped in to replace her Book Massacre is about how to make a Wine Cork Bulletin Board. It’s another one of the dumbest things I’ve ever seen. And I am telling you… IT DREW ME IN. I started zoning out and feeling really good. I think I fell asleep as Lauren arranged dirty corks into a heart shape. Luckily I sprang to life when she started gluing them together one by one.
Creepy/beautiful eye-colored nails! Cool rings! Crap. I was a goner.
5. As I spent more and more of my free time trolling through the rest of Lauren Conrad’s “Crafty Creations,” I encountered the same tinkling background guitar as it accompanied a full roster, or at least a second string, of truly crappy crafts.
6. Lauren seems kind of sad as she monotones prompts that I believe are intended to be questions at the end of each video. “What fun shapes did you make out of your corks.” “What fun materials did you use to make your headband.” “What seasonal flowers are you using for your arrangements.” How odd, to have her talking directly to the camera as if engaging with viewers. That’s never been her thing. She’s not quite into it, which almost makes it a better experience. Neither she nor I are fully committed. It’s just way less embarrassing all around….
….Until I post about my new hobby — watching Lauren Conrad’s entire “Crafty Creations” series — on EW.com. Now we’ve got a problem.
To sum up:
Lauren Conrad’s Damages — on a scale of 1 (mildly annoying) to 10 (bunny-boiling)
–Gutted near-new books: 3
–Failed to even jokingly suggest using her own books: 5
–Didn’t go to Paris: 7
–Made me admit I just watched every episode of “Crafty Creations”: 10
EW.com Readers’ Damages for Aug. 17, 2012: I’ve ranked the following atrocities, submitted by readers this week, on a scale of 1 (harmless) to 10 (Heather Chandler).
—Taylor Swift‘s “We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together”
—Good Morning America serving Robert Pattinson cold breakfast cereal
–tragic lack of a Dylan/Brenda Old Navy commercial
–Cher Lloyd’s aggressive grunting noises on “Want U Back”
–the John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt song
–when people say “Thirsty Thursday”
–secretaries who think teachers have easy jobs
Click on the “answered questions” prompts in the video player below to see my assessments.
If the player isn’t working for you, go here!
What is with you today? What’s with today, today? Let me know what’s annoying you by sending me a “question” in the video box above. You can also tweet and/or e-mail me your damages. Do not mail me your damages. Like Lauren Conrad, I do not believe in paper.
Why is this awful column called “What Is Your Damage?” Excellent question.
Thanks for playing along!