McKayla Maroney, though not impressed, dazzles on 'Letterman'

By Annie Barrett Updated August 15, 2012 at 08:16 AM EDT

Vaulting specialist McKayla Maroney — the Posh Spice of the Fierce (née Fab) Five — coolly took the reins of a group interview clearly destined for doom on last night’s Late Show with David Letterman. Someone had to do it! Team USA’s host didn’t really know what was going on (though that’s his charm) and the other four gymnasts (Aly Raisman, pictured, Jordyn Wieber, Kyla Ross, and even Gabby Douglas) never make a peep unless prompted. We love them, of course, our hearts swell for them — but teenagers media-trained into oblivion do not make for good late-night TV. Cheers to Posh for breaking free and stealing the show.

This only strengthens our desire to have McKayla Maroney star in everything from now until Rio. Ryan Lochte can have 90210, fine, but McKayla gets all the others. Look for her as the fiercely short new girl on Pretty Little Liars, or maybe the human version of Ursula the Sea Witch on Once Upon a Time. (A gold medal infused with Bela Karolyi’s screams can replace the shell necklace containing Ariel’s singing voice.)

The Great McKayla TV Tour has only just begun! In our dreams.

ANYWAY, long story short, too late for that — it was McKayla to the rescue as she answered virtually every half-assed prompt with a sassy, just bitchy enough to be cute quip. Did the gymnasts drink coffee before competing? “We eat corn flakes.” (No joke: Check out their cereal box.) Do all 3-year-old girls have excess energy that could be put to good use in the gym? [Long pause.] “I think we’re special,” offered her royal slyness. She even copped a Hills-esque method of repeating someone with a patented brand of nonchalant emphasis. Were those sparkly leotards comfortable, Dave wondered? “So comfortable?” the wise one wink-smirked.

Her toe’s still broken — and she’s wearing stilettos for our pleasure!

Our hero later led a group demonstration of the McKayla Is Not Impressed facial expression — “It is pretty funny,” she admitted — and when Letterman wondered whether there was an age limit at which maybe the girls’ gymnastics skills could potentially decline? Silence for a few seconds, and then McKayla again!

“Like, 50?” she sassed him. “I think that’s the limit.”

For his part, Letterman claimed the Olympics depressed him by making him feel like a loser (check!), wondered if the pommel horse and the vault were the same thing, and asked all-around gold medalist Gabby Douglas if her win “will mean something to not just young athletes everywhere, but African-Americans who may herefore have not competed in this event? Or is that not the case?” Wait, what? Don’t bring the case into this, Dave. This is awkward enough as it is — spit out a simple question!

Did McKayla make the segment worth watching or were you bored out of your gourd?

And which other TV shows should McKayla Maroney appear in? Could she be Charlotte’s other half-sister on Revenge? I don’t see why not.